Potential Owners of the Montreal Canadians

In a surprise story, it has been reported that a group which includes Celine Dion, is interested in making a bid to purchase the storied NHL franchise that is, the Montreal Canadians. In the report, there are other individuals included in the group to place the bid, but let’s be honest; the only name anyone cares about/recognizes/will make fun of, is the French Canadian ballad singer, Celine Dion. Therefore, it makes for the perfect topic of discussion, in terms of pointing out how hilarious it would be that one of the most famous sporting franchises in the world could potentially be owned by a woman who tops the easy listening charts. Here are some potential situations that could arise with Celine Dion calling the shots in Montreal:
- Dion could suit up for the Habs, and be their toughest player.
- In the offseason, various Habs players can pick up a summer job as Dion’s back-up singers/dancers.
- The Canadians new theme song could be My Heart Will Go On.
- There would be numerous and historic Titanic jokes made by the media/fans.
- The Habs could get to go to Las Vegas more than usual.
- Dion could save money by singing the national anthems herself.
- The entire team could act like hysterical teen girls sighting the Jonas Brothers, when Celine Dion comes down to give them their pay checks.
- The entire team could get discounted equipment and other items thanks to Celine Dion’s husband’s senior discount.
- Celine could also perform during the intermission of games, and then at least there would be some entertainment, since the Montreal Canadians sure can’t provide that for their fans.
With this report, we felt the need to include some of our very own possible buyers for the Canadians, since it seems that just about anybody with a decent bank account can try to buy them from current owner, George Gillett. Who by the way, proved that there is some money to be made in the communication field, which is beneficial for students, who are constantly mocked for attempting to obtain their very own communication degree. But let’s not get off topic; here are our top four picks for companies/individuals who should bid to purchase the Montreal Canadians:

The Queen
Canada is within the Commonwealth realm of Britain. Which really doesn’t mean a whole lot nowadays, but the label is there. Canada is one of the favoured Commonwealth countries, seeing how Britain did not send their prisoners here. For this reason, Canada is close to Britain and Queen Elizabeth’s heart. The point of The Queen for Canada, in short, really short, is to approve the Governor General, who acts as the Queen when she’s not in Canada and who basically does nothing, until the Prime Minister (the nerd) looses control of the House of Commons and tells the Governor General (the mother figure) that the other parties (the bullies) are corrupt (bullying him). With all of this free time that the Queen has after signing her name on a piece of paper, it is only natural that she should want to watch hockey, Canada’s actual national sport, sorry lacrosse fans. It makes perfect sense for Queen Elizabeth II to own an NHL franchise, especially a Canadian NHL franchise. If you have ever seen Buckingham Palace, you come to the conclusion that, if you’re the Queen, you’re loaded, so buying the team would not be difficult. With Queen Elizabeth II at he reins, there are several possible outcomes that would change the Montreal Canadians franchise for the better:
- There would be no more lounging on a bench and drinking water and spitting it on the ice, but instead there would be small tables with tea and biscuits where the players would gather to rest and gear up for the next shift.
- Players would have to get their pay checks exchanged from pounds into US or Canadian dollars on a frequent basis.
- We would get to see Queen Elizabeth II wave, then see friends, family, fans, Pierre McGuire imitate that wave, which is always amusing.
- Since everything in the British Monarch seems to be handed down after one pops off, Habs fans can look forward to Prince Charles overseeing the franchise. And a man, who looks that odd, must play hockey, so he will be extra into it.
- Queen Elizabeth II better days are behind her, so there will be no worry of player/owner relationships or discussions about how hot the owner is, which creates distractions, which is a great possibility if someone like Pamela Anderson took the team over.
- Discount on tea. Tea would replace beer, and provide a more well-mannered and sensible crowd at Canadians games. Because if you behave badly when The Queen is present, you are done.

Wal-Mart
Ever since opening its first Canadian “box-store” in 1994 in Mississauga, Ontario, Wal-Mart has become a retail giant in Canada. They sell their products for less than their competition, therefore driving out small local businesses and supply their employees with less than adequate compensation. Known for selling everything from bathing gowns to tires for automobiles, for better or worse, Wal-Mart is one of the largest retail corporations in Canada. They even have the potential to become a monopoly in the retail world, which from a Wal-Mart perspective, is sweet victory. With all of this said, Wal-Mart has a high level of monetary consumption, and therefore could and should bid to buy the Montreal Canadians. If Disney could own the Anaheim Mighty Ducks a few years ago, Wal-Mart should have no problem sinking their teeth into the Montreal Canadians. If Wal-Mart was to purchase the Montreal Canadians, there are numerous outcomes that would occur:
- The Montreal Canadians would change their jersey to the blue smock that every other Wal-Mart employees is forced to wear.
- While coming to a game, fans could also pick up their groceries, new shoes, new pants, Scrubs: Season 3 on DVD, and engine oil.
- Fans would get greeted at the entrance of the stadium, by an 87 year old man/woman in a blue smock.
- Fans upon exiting the stadium, would get harassed by that same 87 year old man/woman and be accused of shoplifting.
- Shopping carts would be running amuck all over the stadium and the parking lot.
- There would be a McDonald’s in the stadium, whose food is subpar in comparison to an actual McDonald’s.
- Teenagers would constantly be hanging out around the stadium and causing havoc to store employees.
- Popcorn, soda, beer vendors would either be very old, very young, or Mexican.
- Players would experience a tremendous pay decrease.

Barack Obama
Since displacing the most reviled president since Richard Nixon, Brack Obama has become a huge international figure. The newest President of the United States, Obama is not only wealthy and extremely-well known, but is also a huge sports fan. More of basketball, but with Georges Laraque on the Canadians, rumour has it Barack has his eye on the storied franchise. Obama’s purchase of the Canadians could achieve two of his most difficult objectives. So long as he agreed to keep the team in Canada, his international image would improve massively. The Canadians are also immensely profitable, so he could use revenue from the franchise to prop up Wall Street, the American automakers, pay down the debt, finance the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, on terror and drugs, and pay for that massively armoured limousine he cruises around in. And for the Montreal Canadians, there would be changes as well:
- The number of white supremacist fans at Habs games would immediately decrease.
- The arena would sell beer that was 4% without labelling it as ‘Light.’
- All players would have to travel with bodyguards to deal with the quadrupled terrorist threat.
- Barack would trade for Chara, because he’s the only guy in the league who looks like he could throw down a good dunk.
- He would trade for Rick Nash, because he is pretty sure that because he’s Canadian, he is related to Steve and can jack up some 3’s.
- If any more of the Habs run into gambling debt problems, Barack can whip up a ‘stimulus’ package for them.
- Learning French would no longer be such an issue for Canadians players, because Barack’s English is just fine.
- P.K. Subban would make the team next year, trust me.

Cody Burgess
Resident of Almonte, Ontario and rapid Canadians fan, Burgess is here to represent all Montreal Canadians fans. Enthusiastic and supportive to the point of blindness, he follows the Canadians religiously and is pretty sure that he can do a better job of ownership. Well, he does have a full time job, and has saved up his pennies, so here’s the chance to show what you can do. What kind of impact can we see from Burgess? Here are a few examples:
- Immediate trade for Vincent Lecavalier. This will happen regardless of how many roster players, draft picks, team busses or Bob Gaineys Burgess has to ship to Tampa in return.
- Rum and cokes would be on tap instead of beer at the arena.
- Every time the Canadians played the Capitals, the players would be obligated to run Mike Green every chance they could.
- The Canadians new goal horn would be the Pittsburgh Penguins goal horn.
- The Canadians new theme song would be anything from Finger Eleven, Simple Plan, Britney Spears, or whatever else is being overplayed on Canadian radio stations at the time.
- Fans would have to bring their own potato chips to the games.
- Carey Price would be the Habs net minder for the next 20 years, even if is still as bad as he is today.

Those are what we feel are some viable/comedic options for Canadians franchise. But we can come to the conclusion that anyone can own this franchise, so if you're interested please contact us at the NHL-EF, and we will make fun of you and pass on your proposal to the George Gillett. NHL-EF OUT.