So the season is over, the Stanley Cup has been awarded to the best team in the NHL. Now that the team concept is done with, its individuals time to shine. This is the main point of the NHL awards, to show off who are the actual great NHL players, not the Maxim Talbots and Justin Abdelkaders of the league. For some reason, the awards ceremonies are in Las Vegas this year, instead of hockey hungry Toronto, but it will be here where the Norris trophy winner for best defenseman and the Heart trophy for most valuable player will be awarded. Although these awards are difficult to win and are very extravagant, they are not in the least bit funny. But never fear, the NHLEF is here. We would like to present the first ever NHLEF Awards. Which is basically just another blog post, but in award form. You won’t find any Ron Mclean stand up comedy routines, Russians struggling their way through their acceptance speeches, or awful performances Finger Eleven here, but we hope it will be just as entertaining.
The “I Got Injured Again” Award
Awarded to the player who watches more games than plays in on a consistent basis, with the same recurring injury.
Winner: Marian Gaborik
The NHLEF is proud to present this award to the Minnesota sniper, who only played 17 games, but was able to rack up 23 points. He was unable to play an entire season due to his reoccurring groin injury, which has plagued him his entire career. Whether this is due to not stretching properly before games or engaging in too many sexual acts with women he just can’t seem to keep that groin intact.
Runners up:
Daniel Briere- Also had groin issues this NHL season.
Carlo Coliacovo- Got traded to the Blues because of his reoccurring injuries in Toronto. Once traded, his injured ways ceased to exist.
The “I Got On Sports Centre for the Wrong Reason” Award
Awarded to the player whose highlight consisted of an embarrassing act which makes everyone laugh out loud and is seen several times within a 30 minute program.
Winner: Ryan O’Byrne
The NHLEF is proud to present this award to the young Habs defenseman, who was able to score his only goal of the season into his own net, against the lowly New York Islanders, when the Habs pulled the goalie to get an extra attacker on the ice. The highlight was seen numerous times on Sports Centre shortly after, much to the delight of hockey fans everywhere who were not Canadians faithfuls.
Runners up:
Jason Smith- Threw puck at Todd Marchant, it hit Marchant, deflected and went the opposite way Smyth was intending, and sailed past Alex Auld for a very unorthodox goal.
Vesa Toskala- Pretty much any goal on him is hilarious, and Sports Centre blooper worthy.
The “I Fight Like a Girl” Award
Awarded to the player who drops the gloves and looses his manliness at the same time.
Winner: Alexander Semin
The NHLEF is proud to present this award to the Washington Capitals other Russian Sniper, who went toe to toe with the gritty New York Ranger Mark Staal. He won this award by a landslide. The fight was pretty average until Staal slipped, fell, and Semin took advantage of him being flat on the ice, by taking a series of girly punches/slaps to the back to Staal. TSN babe, I mean, anchor, Holly Horton, said it best, when she said, “Semin wins the fight…but looses his dignity in the process.”
Runners up:
Scott Walker- Sucker punched Aaron Ward. Only girls throw sucker punches.
Evgani Malkin- Threw about 6 punches at Zetterberg, while he still had a stick (basically a purse) in his hand, before actually fighting the guy.
The “Celebrity Girlfriend” Award
Awarded to the player who manages to score with a female celebrity that regular men can only dream about.
Winner: Mike Fisher
The NHLEF is proud to present this award to Ottawa Senators grinder who somehow managed to have an intimate relationship with American Idol champ and country music star, Carrie Underwood. Underwood has both looks and a career going for her right now and therefore is a major reason why Fisher is accepting this award. Their relationship has made headlines all over Ottawa and keeps fans hoping that Fisher scores more goals so that they can look at Underwood jump up and down in her box suite.
Runners up:
Mike Comrie: Dating former child star, who has turned into a very attractive young lady, Hilary Duff.
Dion Phaneuf: Dating former Popular Mechanics for Kids host who was also in The Girl Next Door, Elisha Cuthbert.
The “Retire Already” Award
Awarded to the player who is still playing despite the fact that they should have retired several years ago.
Winner: Chris Chelios
The NHLEF is proud to present this award to NHL journeyman, Chris Chelios. Chelios has only played for three NHL teams, but he has been playing in the NHL since 1983, and has a total of 26 NHL seasons under his belt. This regular season he only managed to play 28 games and rack up 1 whole point, which was an assist. At 47 years of age it is quite conceivable that his son could be playing against him in the NHL. We don’t if he has a son or not, but we are just trying to show how old he is. Also, at the time the authors of the NHLEF were born, Chelios already had 4 and ½ season under his belt. This guy has got to call it a career.
Runners up:
Claude Lemieux: Took a few years off and decided to play hockey again for the Sharks. Should have just stayed home Claude.
Mats Sundin: Should have left his big bald head in Sweden instead of embarrassing himself and the Vancouver Canucks.
The “Television Personality of the Year (for the wrong reasons)” Award
Awarded to the individual who irritates colleagues and fans at home on a consistent basis.
Winner: Pierre McGuire
The NHLEF is proud to present this award to the bald, loud, and generally unpleasant TSN personality, Pierre McGuire. He is known for outlandish and incorrect comments and this season was no exception. Whether it was an awkward man love interview with Zach Parise or flipping at the World Junior Championships after a save by team Canada goaltender, Dustin Tokarski, Pierre made hockey fans laugh and wanting to throw a wig with a brick in it at him while he is in between the benches.
Runners up:
John Tortorella: His refusal to partake in the TSN Quiz made hockey fans and James Duthie go mad.
P.J. Stock: Already hated because of his terrible game updates and analysis on Hockey Night in Canada, became even more hated when he tried to grow his very own playoff beard.
The “Most Terrible Decision” Award
Awarded to the player who regrets what they did in the past season.
Winner: Sean Avery and Marian Hossa
The NHLEF is proud to present this award to both Hossa and Avery.
Marian Hossa deserves this award because of his brilliant decision to leave Pittsburgh and join the Red Wings in order to win the Stanley Cup. Much to the delight to hockey fans everywhere, Hossa did not only not win a cup, and was also forced to lose to the team in which he decided to give the middle finger to in the off season. He said he had no regrets after he lost game 7, this is clearly a lie.
Sean Avery also deserves to win this award because of his disturbing and somewhat hilarious remarks about Dion Phanuef and Elisha Cuthbert. Not only did he say these things, but he decided to call over all of the Calgary media to tell them just that. The aftermath resulted in Avery being suspended, forced to go to some anger management retreat, placed on waivers by the Dallas Stars, then acquired by the Rangers, and forced to supply tips to John Torterella on how to deal with rambunctious fans (yelling and squirting water at them). Needless to say, those remarks about Dion and Elisha were indeed a terrible decision.
Runners up:
Those two took the cake; no one else came close to winning this award.
Those are our awards for the 2008/2009 season. Only one Russian and a couple of Slovaks won awards. The rest are Canadian boys, because we are the best. Have your own ideas for awards? We want to hear them. Stay tuned for more NHLEF posts this offseason, the NHL might be over for the summer, but the NHLEF is just getting started.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
New NHL Coaches!
With the off-season looming and more and more teams, fans, and players losing interest in the Stanley Cup Playoffs because it’s no different from last year, teams will be looking to improve their organizations for next season. In particular, most of the less than stellar teams (Tampa Bay, NY Islanders, Avalanche, you can pay attention now) are looking for new coaches. Thanks to Canada’s great and reliable media outlets such as Rogers Sportsnet, fans are flooded with rumour after rumour about possible coaches and possible destinations for those coaches. Patrick Roy’s name was mentioned to be heading to the Colorado Avalanche, because Andrew Raycroft and Peter Budaj are that bad. Mark Messier was apparently heading to the New York Rangers, because Glen Sather is still stuck in the late 80s and early 90s. Larry Robinson was also rumoured to be the next bench boss in Montreal, because he won some cups in the 70s, and therefore he “knows how to win in Montreal.” As silly as these men sound, we at the NHLEF feel that we can create even more laughable and outlandish coaching candidates who have played in the NHL at some point in their lives. Here are some of our picks:
Brent Gretzky
The brother of Wayne Gretzky, who is quite arguably the greatest hockey player of all time, Brent got pushed to the side in the hockey world and at family reunions. Clearly not as good at hockey as Wayne is, he does not have as much money as Wayne does, and I am sure his wife is not as good looking as Wayne’s wife, but he is still a Gretzky. And in the hockey world, that will get you places. He was part of a whopping 13 games over his 2 year career in the NHL. He netted 1 goal and 3 assists for a total of 4 NHL points. He is a career –2 and has a total of 2 penalty minutes. Needless to say, he is an all around performer. And unlike his infamous brother, Brent spent his entire career with one team, the illustrious Tampa Bay Lightening. He would undoubtedly make a great NHL coach, or at least a better coach than his brother, because let’s face facts Wayne’s time in Phoenix has been anything but memorable. Sure, the only reason he would get hired is because he is Wayne’s brother, similar to the reason why he was drafted in 1992 in the 3rd round, but once he gets behind that bench, he would ultimately show his brother what’s what. Maybe he could take over Wayne’s coaching job, which would provide for some Thanksgiving dinner entertainment at the Gretzky household. Therefore, Brent should be the next coach for the Phoenix Coyotes.
Bill Muckalt
Bill Muckalt busted onto the NHL scene when he was part of one of the most hysterical trades in NHL history. Muckalt came to the Ottawa Senators from the New York Islanders along with an up and coming (benefit of hindsight: at the time he was a massive goon) defenseman named Zdano Chara and a 1st round pick, which was 2nd overall, who turned out to be none other than Jason Spezza, in exchange for the money loving Russian, Alexi Yashin. At the time, it was said to be a deal that worked for both teams, but everyone knows that this is hilariously untrue, seeing as Chara is a perennial Norris Trophy candidate, Spezza puts up 90 point seasons and embarrasses Sheldon Souray, and Yashin now playing in some Russian beer league because he was bought out by the Islanders. Somehow Alexei wasn’t even good enough for the present day team, who finished dead last in the NHL. Muckalt has since retired from hockey but had a memorable career nonetheless, even though he is not a household name. He has spent time with the Vancouver Canucks, the New York Islanders, the Ottawa Senators, and the Minnesota Wild. He will be best known for his time in Ottawa, where he played 70 games in the 2001-2002 campaign and managed 8 points, all of which were assists. That’s right, not one goal, you’ve got to feel for the guy a little bit. The following season Muckalt and the Sens parted ways, and Bill signed with the Wild. With the offensive juggernaut Minnesota, Bill found the back of the net like nobodies business, notching 5 goals, 3 assists, and 8 points in the first 8 games of the 2002-2003 Season, an almost Marian Gaborik-like pace. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter he got nailed and missed the rest of the season with a head injury and was forced to retire. But Muckalt left on a high note, and therefore should coach the new generation of NHLers on how to score, because he obviously figured it out. Too bad, as Jojo sings in her top charting tune, too little too late. He would obviously get along with all players if he were to coach. The star players, like Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin, because he was on pace for a phenomenal year point-wise in his last days, but he would also get along with the garbage players, because he knows what it is like not to score for extended periods of time. He would fit right in with players like George Laraque and Steve Begin. Muckalt should become the new coach for the Islanders, because it is a team with a mixture of up and coming young snipers, but also has its far share of guys who would be better suited to playing soccer because of the massive nets.
Tommy Salo
Salo is a Swedish goaltender who served time with the New York Islanders, Edmonton Oilers, and Colorado Avalanche. His career numbers are admiral for a NHL goaltender, racking up 210 wins over his career. However, Salo will be best remembered as the goalie who jumped at a puck that was going over the net, knocking it down, and watching it roll across the goal line in the 2002 Salt Lake Olympic Games for the go ahead goal. Also, the shot was from centre ice, shot by a player on Belarus who was already on the bench when the puck went in, and with about one minute to go in regulation time. It will go down as the largest upset in international ice hockey history, mostly because Canadians don’t remember anything about Team Canada getting shutout by Switzerland in the 2006 Turin Olympic Games. After the loss to Belarus, Salo’s NHL career crashed and burned faster than Sean Avery being suspended for trash talking ex-girlfriends. However, he does know where he went wrong, realizing that jumping for pucks when they are going to sail over the goal is a bad idea. Therefore he should be a coach or at least be a goalie coach to mentor young NHLers on what NOT to do, if you want to be a successful NHL player and/or goaltender. Tommy Salo should become the next coach of the San Jose Sharks, because the Sharks are a team that continue to blow it in the playoffs year after year, and as Salo knows how this feels, he would be able to find a way to reverse this trend.
Juha Ylonen
If you’re asking yourself who the heck this is, you should be ashamed. As well as having the most wildely awesome name in the history of the NHL, Juha Ylonen was an exceptional Finnish center, who was drafted 91st overall in the 1991 Entry Draft by the Winnipeg Jets. Not only was he drafted by a now non-existent team, but he was traded by the Yotes (who the Jets became) to the Lightning for the super-awesome mega All-Star that is Todd Warriner. Don’t know who he is? Yeah, us neither, and we don’t care. After an illustrious career with the Bolts (65 games), he was traded to the Ottawa Senators at the deadline for another high powered forward, Andre Roy. During his 341 NHL career games he managed to collect 26 goals and 76 assists before he was booted across the pond to play for the Espoo Blues, finally matching the best name in hockey with the best team name. But what is the point of all this? Obviously to prove Juha’s extensive credentials in the hockey world. As a perennial trade bust, Ylonen is a prime candidate to take over operations in the Nation’s Capital as they prepare to ship out Heatley and find a pylon to take over for Brian Lee. Ylonen will be right at home with all the overpaid underskilled players the Sen’s have managed to collect, and his Finnish background might allow him to connect with Jarkko Ruutu on something other than a hockey-glove eating level.
Alexandre Daigle
I know, I know, we seem to be picking on former Ottawa Senators excessively here, but with the collection of duds they’ve produced, can you blame us? But back to good ol’ Alex. Back in 1993, Daigle was considered as the best thing to hit the NHL since mullets and bench clearing brawls. However, this was not to be. Despite being drafted first overall in 1993, Daigle did his best to let everyone down. Over his 4 year stint with the Sens he managed to sleep in, whine, whimper, suck, stink and snort as much coke as Wade Redden, Brian McGratton and Ray Emery combined. And the entire time the Senators stank, even with Alexei Yashin. As Daigle’s infamy is so well known I do not feel the need to list his embarrassing NHL stats, but I would like to point out that the only worthy moment in his career was his time spent with the Minnesota Wild where he turned in career high point totals with them. Regardless, after spending his entire career as a self-indulgent, fame-obsessed, childish shmuck, Daigle would be great to return to Ottawa in order to avoid such a situation ever happening again. His actor skills, honed in Hollywood could aid him in his quest to avoid the aggressive Ottawa media and impersonate Brian Murray. Also, in keeping with the tradition of Senators dating hot women, Daigle managed to get his greasy mitts on Pamela Anderson back in her glory days, which is a fairly solid achievement. A little bit better than Carrie Underwood, for example.
So there you have it, the NHLEF’s picks for ex-players who should become coaches. Seeing as TSN, Sportsnet, and the Score will believe just about anything that they read, you might soon see these rumours pop up during your sports highlight viewing time. But remember where you first heard about the rumour, the NHLEF, who will write about anything other than the truth about the National Hockey League. NHLEF OUT.
Brent Gretzky
The brother of Wayne Gretzky, who is quite arguably the greatest hockey player of all time, Brent got pushed to the side in the hockey world and at family reunions. Clearly not as good at hockey as Wayne is, he does not have as much money as Wayne does, and I am sure his wife is not as good looking as Wayne’s wife, but he is still a Gretzky. And in the hockey world, that will get you places. He was part of a whopping 13 games over his 2 year career in the NHL. He netted 1 goal and 3 assists for a total of 4 NHL points. He is a career –2 and has a total of 2 penalty minutes. Needless to say, he is an all around performer. And unlike his infamous brother, Brent spent his entire career with one team, the illustrious Tampa Bay Lightening. He would undoubtedly make a great NHL coach, or at least a better coach than his brother, because let’s face facts Wayne’s time in Phoenix has been anything but memorable. Sure, the only reason he would get hired is because he is Wayne’s brother, similar to the reason why he was drafted in 1992 in the 3rd round, but once he gets behind that bench, he would ultimately show his brother what’s what. Maybe he could take over Wayne’s coaching job, which would provide for some Thanksgiving dinner entertainment at the Gretzky household. Therefore, Brent should be the next coach for the Phoenix Coyotes.
Bill Muckalt
Bill Muckalt busted onto the NHL scene when he was part of one of the most hysterical trades in NHL history. Muckalt came to the Ottawa Senators from the New York Islanders along with an up and coming (benefit of hindsight: at the time he was a massive goon) defenseman named Zdano Chara and a 1st round pick, which was 2nd overall, who turned out to be none other than Jason Spezza, in exchange for the money loving Russian, Alexi Yashin. At the time, it was said to be a deal that worked for both teams, but everyone knows that this is hilariously untrue, seeing as Chara is a perennial Norris Trophy candidate, Spezza puts up 90 point seasons and embarrasses Sheldon Souray, and Yashin now playing in some Russian beer league because he was bought out by the Islanders. Somehow Alexei wasn’t even good enough for the present day team, who finished dead last in the NHL. Muckalt has since retired from hockey but had a memorable career nonetheless, even though he is not a household name. He has spent time with the Vancouver Canucks, the New York Islanders, the Ottawa Senators, and the Minnesota Wild. He will be best known for his time in Ottawa, where he played 70 games in the 2001-2002 campaign and managed 8 points, all of which were assists. That’s right, not one goal, you’ve got to feel for the guy a little bit. The following season Muckalt and the Sens parted ways, and Bill signed with the Wild. With the offensive juggernaut Minnesota, Bill found the back of the net like nobodies business, notching 5 goals, 3 assists, and 8 points in the first 8 games of the 2002-2003 Season, an almost Marian Gaborik-like pace. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter he got nailed and missed the rest of the season with a head injury and was forced to retire. But Muckalt left on a high note, and therefore should coach the new generation of NHLers on how to score, because he obviously figured it out. Too bad, as Jojo sings in her top charting tune, too little too late. He would obviously get along with all players if he were to coach. The star players, like Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin, because he was on pace for a phenomenal year point-wise in his last days, but he would also get along with the garbage players, because he knows what it is like not to score for extended periods of time. He would fit right in with players like George Laraque and Steve Begin. Muckalt should become the new coach for the Islanders, because it is a team with a mixture of up and coming young snipers, but also has its far share of guys who would be better suited to playing soccer because of the massive nets.
Tommy Salo
Salo is a Swedish goaltender who served time with the New York Islanders, Edmonton Oilers, and Colorado Avalanche. His career numbers are admiral for a NHL goaltender, racking up 210 wins over his career. However, Salo will be best remembered as the goalie who jumped at a puck that was going over the net, knocking it down, and watching it roll across the goal line in the 2002 Salt Lake Olympic Games for the go ahead goal. Also, the shot was from centre ice, shot by a player on Belarus who was already on the bench when the puck went in, and with about one minute to go in regulation time. It will go down as the largest upset in international ice hockey history, mostly because Canadians don’t remember anything about Team Canada getting shutout by Switzerland in the 2006 Turin Olympic Games. After the loss to Belarus, Salo’s NHL career crashed and burned faster than Sean Avery being suspended for trash talking ex-girlfriends. However, he does know where he went wrong, realizing that jumping for pucks when they are going to sail over the goal is a bad idea. Therefore he should be a coach or at least be a goalie coach to mentor young NHLers on what NOT to do, if you want to be a successful NHL player and/or goaltender. Tommy Salo should become the next coach of the San Jose Sharks, because the Sharks are a team that continue to blow it in the playoffs year after year, and as Salo knows how this feels, he would be able to find a way to reverse this trend.
Juha Ylonen
If you’re asking yourself who the heck this is, you should be ashamed. As well as having the most wildely awesome name in the history of the NHL, Juha Ylonen was an exceptional Finnish center, who was drafted 91st overall in the 1991 Entry Draft by the Winnipeg Jets. Not only was he drafted by a now non-existent team, but he was traded by the Yotes (who the Jets became) to the Lightning for the super-awesome mega All-Star that is Todd Warriner. Don’t know who he is? Yeah, us neither, and we don’t care. After an illustrious career with the Bolts (65 games), he was traded to the Ottawa Senators at the deadline for another high powered forward, Andre Roy. During his 341 NHL career games he managed to collect 26 goals and 76 assists before he was booted across the pond to play for the Espoo Blues, finally matching the best name in hockey with the best team name. But what is the point of all this? Obviously to prove Juha’s extensive credentials in the hockey world. As a perennial trade bust, Ylonen is a prime candidate to take over operations in the Nation’s Capital as they prepare to ship out Heatley and find a pylon to take over for Brian Lee. Ylonen will be right at home with all the overpaid underskilled players the Sen’s have managed to collect, and his Finnish background might allow him to connect with Jarkko Ruutu on something other than a hockey-glove eating level.
Alexandre Daigle
I know, I know, we seem to be picking on former Ottawa Senators excessively here, but with the collection of duds they’ve produced, can you blame us? But back to good ol’ Alex. Back in 1993, Daigle was considered as the best thing to hit the NHL since mullets and bench clearing brawls. However, this was not to be. Despite being drafted first overall in 1993, Daigle did his best to let everyone down. Over his 4 year stint with the Sens he managed to sleep in, whine, whimper, suck, stink and snort as much coke as Wade Redden, Brian McGratton and Ray Emery combined. And the entire time the Senators stank, even with Alexei Yashin. As Daigle’s infamy is so well known I do not feel the need to list his embarrassing NHL stats, but I would like to point out that the only worthy moment in his career was his time spent with the Minnesota Wild where he turned in career high point totals with them. Regardless, after spending his entire career as a self-indulgent, fame-obsessed, childish shmuck, Daigle would be great to return to Ottawa in order to avoid such a situation ever happening again. His actor skills, honed in Hollywood could aid him in his quest to avoid the aggressive Ottawa media and impersonate Brian Murray. Also, in keeping with the tradition of Senators dating hot women, Daigle managed to get his greasy mitts on Pamela Anderson back in her glory days, which is a fairly solid achievement. A little bit better than Carrie Underwood, for example.
So there you have it, the NHLEF’s picks for ex-players who should become coaches. Seeing as TSN, Sportsnet, and the Score will believe just about anything that they read, you might soon see these rumours pop up during your sports highlight viewing time. But remember where you first heard about the rumour, the NHLEF, who will write about anything other than the truth about the National Hockey League. NHLEF OUT.
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