New NHL Coaches!

With the off-season looming and more and more teams, fans, and players losing interest in the Stanley Cup Playoffs because it’s no different from last year, teams will be looking to improve their organizations for next season. In particular, most of the less than stellar teams (Tampa Bay, NY Islanders, Avalanche, you can pay attention now) are looking for new coaches. Thanks to Canada’s great and reliable media outlets such as Rogers Sportsnet, fans are flooded with rumour after rumour about possible coaches and possible destinations for those coaches. Patrick Roy’s name was mentioned to be heading to the Colorado Avalanche, because Andrew Raycroft and Peter Budaj are that bad. Mark Messier was apparently heading to the New York Rangers, because Glen Sather is still stuck in the late 80s and early 90s. Larry Robinson was also rumoured to be the next bench boss in Montreal, because he won some cups in the 70s, and therefore he “knows how to win in Montreal.” As silly as these men sound, we at the NHLEF feel that we can create even more laughable and outlandish coaching candidates who have played in the NHL at some point in their lives. Here are some of our picks:

Brent Gretzky
The brother of Wayne Gretzky, who is quite arguably the greatest hockey player of all time, Brent got pushed to the side in the hockey world and at family reunions. Clearly not as good at hockey as Wayne is, he does not have as much money as Wayne does, and I am sure his wife is not as good looking as Wayne’s wife, but he is still a Gretzky. And in the hockey world, that will get you places. He was part of a whopping 13 games over his 2 year career in the NHL. He netted 1 goal and 3 assists for a total of 4 NHL points. He is a career –2 and has a total of 2 penalty minutes. Needless to say, he is an all around performer. And unlike his infamous brother, Brent spent his entire career with one team, the illustrious Tampa Bay Lightening. He would undoubtedly make a great NHL coach, or at least a better coach than his brother, because let’s face facts Wayne’s time in Phoenix has been anything but memorable. Sure, the only reason he would get hired is because he is Wayne’s brother, similar to the reason why he was drafted in 1992 in the 3rd round, but once he gets behind that bench, he would ultimately show his brother what’s what. Maybe he could take over Wayne’s coaching job, which would provide for some Thanksgiving dinner entertainment at the Gretzky household. Therefore, Brent should be the next coach for the Phoenix Coyotes.

Bill Muckalt
Bill Muckalt busted onto the NHL scene when he was part of one of the most hysterical trades in NHL history. Muckalt came to the Ottawa Senators from the New York Islanders along with an up and coming (benefit of hindsight: at the time he was a massive goon) defenseman named Zdano Chara and a 1st round pick, which was 2nd overall, who turned out to be none other than Jason Spezza, in exchange for the money loving Russian, Alexi Yashin. At the time, it was said to be a deal that worked for both teams, but everyone knows that this is hilariously untrue, seeing as Chara is a perennial Norris Trophy candidate, Spezza puts up 90 point seasons and embarrasses Sheldon Souray, and Yashin now playing in some Russian beer league because he was bought out by the Islanders. Somehow Alexei wasn’t even good enough for the present day team, who finished dead last in the NHL. Muckalt has since retired from hockey but had a memorable career nonetheless, even though he is not a household name. He has spent time with the Vancouver Canucks, the New York Islanders, the Ottawa Senators, and the Minnesota Wild. He will be best known for his time in Ottawa, where he played 70 games in the 2001-2002 campaign and managed 8 points, all of which were assists. That’s right, not one goal, you’ve got to feel for the guy a little bit. The following season Muckalt and the Sens parted ways, and Bill signed with the Wild. With the offensive juggernaut Minnesota, Bill found the back of the net like nobodies business, notching 5 goals, 3 assists, and 8 points in the first 8 games of the 2002-2003 Season, an almost Marian Gaborik-like pace. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter he got nailed and missed the rest of the season with a head injury and was forced to retire. But Muckalt left on a high note, and therefore should coach the new generation of NHLers on how to score, because he obviously figured it out. Too bad, as Jojo sings in her top charting tune, too little too late. He would obviously get along with all players if he were to coach. The star players, like Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin, because he was on pace for a phenomenal year point-wise in his last days, but he would also get along with the garbage players, because he knows what it is like not to score for extended periods of time. He would fit right in with players like George Laraque and Steve Begin. Muckalt should become the new coach for the Islanders, because it is a team with a mixture of up and coming young snipers, but also has its far share of guys who would be better suited to playing soccer because of the massive nets.

Tommy Salo
Salo is a Swedish goaltender who served time with the New York Islanders, Edmonton Oilers, and Colorado Avalanche. His career numbers are admiral for a NHL goaltender, racking up 210 wins over his career. However, Salo will be best remembered as the goalie who jumped at a puck that was going over the net, knocking it down, and watching it roll across the goal line in the 2002 Salt Lake Olympic Games for the go ahead goal. Also, the shot was from centre ice, shot by a player on Belarus who was already on the bench when the puck went in, and with about one minute to go in regulation time. It will go down as the largest upset in international ice hockey history, mostly because Canadians don’t remember anything about Team Canada getting shutout by Switzerland in the 2006 Turin Olympic Games. After the loss to Belarus, Salo’s NHL career crashed and burned faster than Sean Avery being suspended for trash talking ex-girlfriends. However, he does know where he went wrong, realizing that jumping for pucks when they are going to sail over the goal is a bad idea. Therefore he should be a coach or at least be a goalie coach to mentor young NHLers on what NOT to do, if you want to be a successful NHL player and/or goaltender. Tommy Salo should become the next coach of the San Jose Sharks, because the Sharks are a team that continue to blow it in the playoffs year after year, and as Salo knows how this feels, he would be able to find a way to reverse this trend.

Juha Ylonen
If you’re asking yourself who the heck this is, you should be ashamed. As well as having the most wildely awesome name in the history of the NHL, Juha Ylonen was an exceptional Finnish center, who was drafted 91st overall in the 1991 Entry Draft by the Winnipeg Jets. Not only was he drafted by a now non-existent team, but he was traded by the Yotes (who the Jets became) to the Lightning for the super-awesome mega All-Star that is Todd Warriner. Don’t know who he is? Yeah, us neither, and we don’t care. After an illustrious career with the Bolts (65 games), he was traded to the Ottawa Senators at the deadline for another high powered forward, Andre Roy. During his 341 NHL career games he managed to collect 26 goals and 76 assists before he was booted across the pond to play for the Espoo Blues, finally matching the best name in hockey with the best team name. But what is the point of all this? Obviously to prove Juha’s extensive credentials in the hockey world. As a perennial trade bust, Ylonen is a prime candidate to take over operations in the Nation’s Capital as they prepare to ship out Heatley and find a pylon to take over for Brian Lee. Ylonen will be right at home with all the overpaid underskilled players the Sen’s have managed to collect, and his Finnish background might allow him to connect with Jarkko Ruutu on something other than a hockey-glove eating level.

Alexandre Daigle
I know, I know, we seem to be picking on former Ottawa Senators excessively here, but with the collection of duds they’ve produced, can you blame us? But back to good ol’ Alex. Back in 1993, Daigle was considered as the best thing to hit the NHL since mullets and bench clearing brawls. However, this was not to be. Despite being drafted first overall in 1993, Daigle did his best to let everyone down. Over his 4 year stint with the Sens he managed to sleep in, whine, whimper, suck, stink and snort as much coke as Wade Redden, Brian McGratton and Ray Emery combined. And the entire time the Senators stank, even with Alexei Yashin. As Daigle’s infamy is so well known I do not feel the need to list his embarrassing NHL stats, but I would like to point out that the only worthy moment in his career was his time spent with the Minnesota Wild where he turned in career high point totals with them. Regardless, after spending his entire career as a self-indulgent, fame-obsessed, childish shmuck, Daigle would be great to return to Ottawa in order to avoid such a situation ever happening again. His actor skills, honed in Hollywood could aid him in his quest to avoid the aggressive Ottawa media and impersonate Brian Murray. Also, in keeping with the tradition of Senators dating hot women, Daigle managed to get his greasy mitts on Pamela Anderson back in her glory days, which is a fairly solid achievement. A little bit better than Carrie Underwood, for example.

So there you have it, the NHLEF’s picks for ex-players who should become coaches. Seeing as TSN, Sportsnet, and the Score will believe just about anything that they read, you might soon see these rumours pop up during your sports highlight viewing time. But remember where you first heard about the rumour, the NHLEF, who will write about anything other than the truth about the National Hockey League. NHLEF OUT.