Just in case you live in a cave in Afghanistan (that’s you, Osama), the NHL pre-season has started. And as per usual, everyone is losing their minds over the return of hockey and what each team’s pre-season success or failure means for the upcoming Show. Now, most people realize that pre-season means nothing in terms of team ability in the long run. However, this does not mean that there is no merit to hockey in September. In fact, I have 10 amazing reasons that you should pay attention and watch Sportscentre in the morning.
10 – Something exciting is finally on! No longer do you have to watch lumberjack competitions, Cup-stacking World Cup, or the 11 billionth baseball highlight of someone hitting a ball or someone catching said ball. Those guys are all fakes anyway – if I had to play 162 games in a season, I would be on horse hormones too.
9 – It’s Canadian. There is a grand total of about 6 Canadians in baseball, and 1 team. I think there was a Canadian football player once too, and I hear rumours about a Canadian football league, but I think it’s just a fantasy pool. The return of hockey means ice, beer, beards and good Canadian boys. So lissen up – if you’re Canadian, you will pay attention. If not, you’re a terrorist. And you don’t want to be a terrorist.
8 – Pierre McGuire is still on summer break. This is fantastic news. No between the bench interviews, no drooling over Dion Phaneuf, no comments about how Pierre was working out in the weight room and bench pressed more than Alex Ovechkin – this is about as awesome as TSN gets. Sure, the commentators they do have on are third rate, but at least your eardrums don’t come back bloody and crying.
7 – All the washed up old guys. Where else can you see a 40-year old man attempt to play a professional sport? The best known examples are obviously Theo Fleury and Jason Allison, and they show every pond-hockey playing dad out there that it’s never too late. Allison can barely move on skates, but he’s still chugging along, and Fleury sniped the game winner in the shootout the other night for the Flames. Keep plugging away boys, and careful on those hip checks, you don’t want to break something and end your career. Again.
6 – The young guns. Similar to the above, because teams are trying to judge the skill of the players in the system, you get to see loads of talent that is usually hiding in the minors. Whether you’re watching a young goalie being humiliated by the opposing team’s first line snipers, a struggling 19-year old forward who has barely hit puberty trying to skate around grown men, or a crazy power forward throwing illegal hits on veterans, the kids always put on a good show.
5 – Enthusiastic crowds. Often pre-season games are held in non-NHL cities with fans who rarely get the chance to see an NHL game. These fans are so juiced that you can actually hear them react to action on the ice, unlike your average night at the ACC. With cheaper tickets, it allows those with lower income but greater team spirit and fewer inhibitions to be fanatic. And who doesn’t like a good riot?
4 – A reason to drink beer without looking like an alcoholic. Hockey exists simply so you can ration your beers to x number per period. If you’re a one-per-period guy, than you seem reasonable. If you’re a five-per-period guy, you’re a little more hardcore. If you’re a ten-per-period, you should probably enter AA. And if you have a period, you’re probably not reading this website.
3 – Fights! Often there are more fights per period in pre-season than in an entire NHL game. Young kids trying to make the team tend to square off against other young aspiring tough guys, and good tilts often result. Or against Mike Comrie, who dropped the mitts with some random dude who is probably never going to make the NHL. Oil Country was disillusioned and disappointed with Mike not too long ago, but it’s amazing what a few punches to the face can change.
2 – It’s not school! With the start of September comes a return to the grind. Classes, readings, taking notes, quizzes, odd teachers who either hate your guts or expect you to be the next Albert Einstein – all stress simply melts away, and you can simply enjoy some decent hockey.
1 – Dion Phaneuf’s hit on Kyle Okposo. Unreal. If you haven’t seen it, go to YouTube right now. Possibly a headshot, but without an official league ruling, we’re going to call it legit, and tell you to watch it multiple times. Something to try in your local beer league, for sure.
NHL-EF Legal Disclaimer: Please do not take anything we write as an acceptable course of action for your own life. Meant to be humorous dialogue rather than words to live by. That being said, we're not making you sign a waiver, so do what you want. NHL-EF OUT!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Phoenix Coyotes Telemarketing
A 37 year old man is about to sit down and enjoy his diner with his wife and two young boys, aged 8 and 10. Just as he begins to say “So how was everyone’s day?” the telephone rings…
“Hello”
“Good evening, I am calling on behalf of the Phoenix Coyotes organization and we are wondering if you would like to purchase tickets for the upcoming 2009/2010 season?”
“What are the Phoenix Coyotes?”
“They are a local National Hockey League team.”
“Oh, yes. I heard they were moving from Hamilton to here last week.”
“No, you have it backwards.”
“So the team is moving to Hamilton?”
“We don’t think so.”
“So why did you say it was backwards?”
“Well there were rumors that Jim Balsilie was going to buy the team and move it to Hamilton.”
“So the team is moving to Hamilton.”
“No, not at the moment.”
“But they can at some point?”
“I guess they can move at some point, but the league is trying its hardest to keep the team in Phoenix.”
“Oh ok, I guess that clears that up, thanks for calling.”
“Wait! Would you be interested in buying season tickets?”
“I don’t know, I only know a few players in the NHL, did the team acquire any big names for this season?
“Lauri Korpikoski was the teams big signing”
“I have never heard of her.”
“Lauri Korpikoski is a man.”
“Oh, so the top player has the same name as my wife?”
“I suppose so.”
“Is this some kind of joke?”
“No, Lauri Korpikoski is a legitimate NHL player who has loads of potential.”
“I find that hard to believe”
“You better believe it, this team is the real deal.”
“How many tickets have you sold so far?”
“We sold tickets to all the fans that rallied for the team to stay in Phoenix.”
“When was that? How many is that?”
“It was a couple of months ago at the teams’ official pub. We sold about 75 tickets.”
“Oh ya, I thought that was a small family reunion of some sort, with all of the matching shirts and all.”
“Those are the team jerseys.”
“Really? For a family reunion they weren’t bad, but a professional sports team…”
“So what do you say? Wanna buy some tickets?”
“I don’t know, it sounds like not many people are interested in this team. Why is the team staying here?”
“To satisfy the fans of Phoenix.”
“All 75?”
“75 is being modest, I am sure there are more.”
“I think you should let that Jim Silly fellow buy the team and move it to Canada, they enjoy hockey I think.”
“Don’t you want to have a hockey team in the city of Phoenix?”
“I honestly want to have diner with my family right now.”
“I’ll tell you what sir; I will throw in 20 pairs of free tickets if you buy one set of tickets now.”
“I don’t think I am interested, sorry.”
“Well thank you for your time. And keep supporting the Coyotes!”
“What are the Coyotes?”
“The hockey team we have been discussing.”
“Oh sorry, yes, it’s just such a strange name for a sports team. What’s next the Ducks? HAHA”
“There is a team named the Ducks.”
“What?!?!”
“Yes, in Anaheim.”
“A team in Anaheim? Doesn’t hockey require ice?”
“Yes.”
“This is getting ridiculous.”
“So what do you say? Wanna buy some tickets?”
“To Ducks games? Are they going to be moving to Hamilton?”
“No, but sir…”
“Put me down for a pair of tickets, my son enjoys the Disney Mighty Ducks films.”
“Oh…ok…I will make that pair for the game between… the Anaheim Ducks…and…the Phoenix Coyotes.”
“Great.”
“Thank you for your time sir.”
“Thank you.”
NHLEF OUT!
“Hello”
“Good evening, I am calling on behalf of the Phoenix Coyotes organization and we are wondering if you would like to purchase tickets for the upcoming 2009/2010 season?”
“What are the Phoenix Coyotes?”
“They are a local National Hockey League team.”
“Oh, yes. I heard they were moving from Hamilton to here last week.”
“No, you have it backwards.”
“So the team is moving to Hamilton?”
“We don’t think so.”
“So why did you say it was backwards?”
“Well there were rumors that Jim Balsilie was going to buy the team and move it to Hamilton.”
“So the team is moving to Hamilton.”
“No, not at the moment.”
“But they can at some point?”
“I guess they can move at some point, but the league is trying its hardest to keep the team in Phoenix.”
“Oh ok, I guess that clears that up, thanks for calling.”
“Wait! Would you be interested in buying season tickets?”
“I don’t know, I only know a few players in the NHL, did the team acquire any big names for this season?
“Lauri Korpikoski was the teams big signing”
“I have never heard of her.”
“Lauri Korpikoski is a man.”
“Oh, so the top player has the same name as my wife?”
“I suppose so.”
“Is this some kind of joke?”
“No, Lauri Korpikoski is a legitimate NHL player who has loads of potential.”
“I find that hard to believe”
“You better believe it, this team is the real deal.”
“How many tickets have you sold so far?”
“We sold tickets to all the fans that rallied for the team to stay in Phoenix.”
“When was that? How many is that?”
“It was a couple of months ago at the teams’ official pub. We sold about 75 tickets.”
“Oh ya, I thought that was a small family reunion of some sort, with all of the matching shirts and all.”
“Those are the team jerseys.”
“Really? For a family reunion they weren’t bad, but a professional sports team…”
“So what do you say? Wanna buy some tickets?”
“I don’t know, it sounds like not many people are interested in this team. Why is the team staying here?”
“To satisfy the fans of Phoenix.”
“All 75?”
“75 is being modest, I am sure there are more.”
“I think you should let that Jim Silly fellow buy the team and move it to Canada, they enjoy hockey I think.”
“Don’t you want to have a hockey team in the city of Phoenix?”
“I honestly want to have diner with my family right now.”
“I’ll tell you what sir; I will throw in 20 pairs of free tickets if you buy one set of tickets now.”
“I don’t think I am interested, sorry.”
“Well thank you for your time. And keep supporting the Coyotes!”
“What are the Coyotes?”
“The hockey team we have been discussing.”
“Oh sorry, yes, it’s just such a strange name for a sports team. What’s next the Ducks? HAHA”
“There is a team named the Ducks.”
“What?!?!”
“Yes, in Anaheim.”
“A team in Anaheim? Doesn’t hockey require ice?”
“Yes.”
“This is getting ridiculous.”
“So what do you say? Wanna buy some tickets?”
“To Ducks games? Are they going to be moving to Hamilton?”
“No, but sir…”
“Put me down for a pair of tickets, my son enjoys the Disney Mighty Ducks films.”
“Oh…ok…I will make that pair for the game between… the Anaheim Ducks…and…the Phoenix Coyotes.”
“Great.”
“Thank you for your time sir.”
“Thank you.”
NHLEF OUT!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
What Your Favourite NHL Team Says About YOU.
What Your Favourite NHL Team says about you
In today’s NHL there are 30 teams spanning two countries, 3 provinces and a bunch of states (I don’t care enough about those ones to count accurately). These 30 teams each sport a unique look, stadium, roster and set of values, and each strives to be a successful business as well as hockey team. Each team also has a unique set of fans to go with their characteristics. For our purposes, we’re going to examine fan preferences in Ontario alone, because we’re thoroughly confused about why there is a fan of the Nashville Predators in Ontario, much less the world. And we spend most of our time in Ontario, so we feel like we can accurately criticize fans from the area. So without further confusion, we present - What Your Favourite NHL Team Says About YOU.
Washington Capitals – You can name one hockey player in the world, and it’s Alex Ovechkin. You have become a fan of hockey only in the past 2 years, you never sit down to watch a game, and couldn’t pick out the blue line on a hockey rink if it was labeled for you.
Boston Bruins – You’re loud, aggressive and prone to ridiculous hockey arguments. You have been following hockey since you crawled out of the womb, but have kept you allegiances fairly low key. This was due to previous bonehead moves by your franchise, such as trading Joe Thornton for a large double double, or signing Mike Ryder after everyone else had realized he was garbage. However, recently you have been flying the Bruins pride, because they actually did well for once in the last 10 years.
Colorado Avalanche – You were a fan of the Nordiques, and refuse to cheer for the Canadians, so your allegiance went west with the Avs. You probably think that Patrick Roy, Rob Blake, Peter Forsberg and Joe Sakic still play for the Avalanche because you haven’t paid any attention to the NHL in years. If you have been paying attention, you only talk about how the Avs team with those guys could beat any team on the ice today.
Phoenix Coyotes – Your name is Jim Balsillie, and you don’t actually like the Coyotes, you just want to move them to Hamilton.
Anaheim Ducks – You watched the Mighty Ducks movies growing up as a kid, and think that the team in Anaheim is simply an extension of the movie series. On the occasion that you do catch a game, you’re confused that Goldberg and The Bash Brothers aren’t on the ice, and that all the players are much bigger than you remember.
Pittsburgh Penguins – You grew up in the 90’s, inundated with propaganda about how Sidney Crosby is the next God, how he sweats Gatorade, and saves children from burning buildings. Like him, you probably can’t grow a beard, but unlike him, you aren’t friends with Mario Lemieux.
Ottawa Senators – You jumped on the bandwagon as soon as the team was placed in the city, and are one of the few people still on it. You’re loyal to a fault, have the ability to ignore mountains of evidence when other fans harass you about lack of success, and don’t really understand what the position of goaltending is for. “You mean the goalie is supposed to STOP the puck?? Why were we paying Patrick Lalime for all those years??”
Toronto Maple Leafs – Two different subgroups in this one. One group is the diehard fan who knows all the Leaf players numbers, countries of origin, career statistics, nose hair length and local address. This fan bleeds blue and white, and is often drunk and morose after each night the Leafs play. The other is the person who doesn’t want to seem unpatriotic and dislike hockey, so they select the most iconic team in the country to cheer for. Also often drunk after a game night, but more because they were busy drinking rather than watching the game. Both groups are blind to facts and arguments regarding the shortcomings of their team, and consider the Leafs a perennial cup contender. This is despite the clear evidence of consistent terrible drafting and managing for the past 40 years.
Vancouver Canucks – You can’t bring yourself to cheer for either the Sens or the Leafs, so you contract out to the West Coast. You’re enthusiastic about hockey, but not diehard, as you rarely get to see your team play games because then you would have to stay up past your bedtime.
Nashville Predators – You thought the logo was cool when they were introduced as an expansion team, and haven’t thought about the NHL ever since.
New York Rangers – You’re a rich asshole who thinks he’s better than everyone else.
New Jersey Devils – You don’t actually watch hockey or like it. If you did, you wouldn’t be a fan of the most boring team in the league. You mainly enjoy people getting hurt, and things haven’t been the same since Scott Stevens retired.
Montreal Canadians – Despite the fact that the team has not won a cup in the last 5 years, you are a bandwagon fan. You love the Canadians because every time someone criticizes them, you trot out the fact that they have won more cups than any other team, and have been around for 100 years. Sure, you argue, they did fold like straw hut in a hurricane last season, but look at all those cups they’ve won. Like it matters at this point.
Calgary Flames – You hate Edmonton.
Edmonton Oilers – You hate Calgary.
Hartford Whalers – You’re 6 feet underground.
Atlanta Thrashers – You enjoy golf in the spring.
Minnesota Wild – You respect the most financially successful team in the US market, a team that has impressed from its expansion inception into the league with consistent, solid results. However, after this past offseason in which the ownership turned its back on the franchise player and instead welcomed an overrated, no-good greaser into the fold, you are left a broken husk of a man, looking forlornly at your Wild hat, wondering if a time will ever come again where you will be proud to wear it.
While we may have skipped a few, those are the major defining characteristics of teams and their fans. What’s up for next week? Pooping at work: legitimate avoidance tactic, or disgusting habit? You decide. NHL-EF Out!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Fizz, Flop and Firebomb: The NHL-EF Season Predictions
Like most hockey pundits, we here at the NHL-EF have been following the off-season with interest. Certain teams have done loads – Chicago, Montreal – certain teams have done practically nothing – Columbus, Dallas – and certain teams probably should have done nothing, because their actions stank pretty hard – Ottawa, New York Rangers, and Boston.
All of the savvy staffers here at the NHL-EF have taken a long, hard look at each and every stat category, salary cap space, depth chart, and concession stand beer availability for all 30 NHL teams. Now, we could list all 30 teams in the order we believe they will finish, with a little description of why next to it, but frankly, everyone else does that. Also, the three of us do not have anything approaching a consensus on something like the placement of all 30 NHL teams. Instead, we will have only 3, but awesome, categories.
Hero: A team considered likely to win their conference, the league and the Stanley Cup. They are the next thing to god on ice.
Zero: A team considered likely to end up dead last. These guys would have trouble winning games in the AHL, but are allowed to remain in the NHL under the guise of “rebuilding”.
Weirdo: A team that everyone else thinks will be in one of the above two groups, but in fact ends up somewhere else. Confusing, we know, but deal with it.
After much deliberation, some coffee drinking, lots of nachos digested, a triple homicide and watching Usain Bolt run a million km/hr, our decision was for each of us to produce our own list. Enjoy…
Matthew Moxley
Hero: Chicago Blackhawks
- Last season, the young Blackhawk team made it all the way to the Conference Final and lost to a very skilled and experience Detroit Red Wing team. This season the team is virtually the same team as last year’s squad with a few new pieces here and there. Marian Hossa has been brought in to replace Martin Havlat, a pretty good upgrade if you ask me, providing Hossa remains healthy, and the NHL doesn’t investigate his contract anymore. In goal, the reliable, but not Vezina-worthy, Cristobal Huet will be counted on to protect the Hawks net, after Nikolai Khabibulin skated his way over to Edmonton. The Blackhawks d-line looks more ferocious than ever with the likes of Keith, Seabrook, Barker, and Campbell all a year older and hungrier. And yes, I am going to say Campbell is going to have a fantastic year after last years sub-par campaign. After last season’s learning experience, the Hawks are destined for great things this season. In addition, none of the Hawks will hold anything against Patrick Kane for beating up a cabbie, who was probably a Red Wing fan, so there are no worries there. Look for Jonathan Toews and the Hawks to raise Lord Stanley’s Mug come June and Marian Hossa will have finally picked the right team to be on to win a Cup.
Zero: Atlanta Thrashers
- Ever since the Thrashers found their way into the NHL, they have been struggling to become a legitimate contender or even a worthy adversary in the NHL. This team has some young talent that appears to have promising potential, with the likes of Colby Armstrong, Bryan Little, Evander Kane, Tobias Enstrom, and Zach Bogosian, but they are nowhere near ready to take this team to the next level. Furthermore, the team’s only star player, Ilya Kovalchuck is in the last year of his contract, which means he will be a viable option for teams looking to acquire some goal-scoring help before the trade deadline, for a final playoff push. Consequently, loosing him will hurt the team even more, even if they do manage to get a lot for him, those coming back to Atlanta will probably not be able to help the team until several years down the road. However, seeing as they did the same thing with Marian Hossa, General Manager Don Waddell may try to lock Kovalchuck for the long term. Look for this organization to be in the hunt for the 1st overall pick at the NHL Draft in 2010.
Weirdo: Tampa Bay Lightening
- They finished 2nd last in the NHL at the end of last season and received the 2nd overall pick this past summer which they used to grab Swedish defenseman, Victor Headman, who is NHL ready right now. Is he going to be the savior to bring this team back to the Stanley Cup Finals? No, but he, along with the rest of the team will certainly turn a few heads this upcoming season. The three top forwards, St.Louis, Lecavlier, and Stamkos, all have reason to perform at their best because of the upcoming 2010 Olympic team selection, which all 3 have a chance of making. You can also expect Ryan Malone to have a much better campaign as well after last years skunk of a season. The backend of the team has been re-amped, with the likes of Matias Ohlund and Victor Hedman, both of whom are better than everyone that was on the Lightening’s d-line last season. Also expect Andrei Mezaros to become the reliable puck-moving defenseman many made him out to be. Goaltender, Mike Smith, proved last season that he is a legitimate starting goaltender and is ready for a terrific season after ending last season prematurely, with an injury. Look for the Lightening to be right in the playoff hunt and sneak in on the final day of the regular season. But don’t get me wrong, they will get absolutely schooled by Washington, Pittsburg, or Philadelphia in the first round.
Kieran Jones
Hero: Washington Capitals
- On the verge of awesome last year, the Capitals this year will be an unstoppable force. Ovechkin, Semin and Green will be one year older, smarter and better – who knows, maybe Green will even play defence this season. While rookie netminder Simeon Varlamov does seem like he could be a weak link, he was strong in the playoffs last year, and a little NHL experience could turn him into the next Ilya Bryzgalov, except on a good team. Helping them in the points department is the weakness of the division. Florida – not great. Carolina – just okay. TBay – gong show. Atlanta – how do they still have a hockey team?? If some of their 3rd and 4th liners step up and bag a few points, and the D tightens up a little so Ovechkin doesn’t have to score 3 goals a night, they should be fine.
Zero: Minnesota Wild
- Not a great off-season for the Wild. Letting the most electric goal scorer in the Western Conference walk away for nothing in return was without a doubt the worst managerial decision of the last 8 months. Even worse, his replacement is the equally-injury prone but much less talented, much older, and much lamer, Martin Havlat. Sure, he cost a few million dollars less, but with the Wild adopting a new run and gun style without Lemaire, Gaborik could have shot the lights out, whereas Havlat just gets his lights knocked out after a few good hits. Adding to the problem is Eric Lindros-wannabe Brent Burns, with his nonstop series of concussions, and an aging attack. Owen Nolan stank when he was with Toronto, and he sure hasn’t gotten any better with Minnesota. Barring a miracle – say, trading the schmuck Havlat, for Jerome Iginla – the best hockey city in the US is going to be treated to a complete boondoggle.
Weirdo: Toronto Maple Leafs
- They have way too many NHL caliber defensemen – Beauchemin, Exelby, Frogren, Finger, Kaberle, Komisarek, Schenn, Van Ryn, and White. In net they have injury machine Vesa Toskala and unproven Swedish meatball Gustavsson (you try pronouncing it). They have no offensive firepower – Blake, Grabovski, Kulemin, Hagman, Mayers, Orr, Ponikarovsky, Stajan, and Stempniak. The forward depth chart is better suited for a standup comedy routine than an NHL roster. And yet, despite all these negatives, I am going to make a decision a sports blogger should never make. My gut tells me the Leafs will surprise the hell out of everybody somehow, and even though I know they will likely stink their way into a good draft pick, I’m saying they crack the playoffs.
Kevin Roberts
Hero: Philadelphia Flyers
- The Flyers added more leadership, more muscle, and more nastiness over the off season: Chris Pronger. Add to that more reliable goaltending in Ray Emery (I’ll get to him) and Brian Boucher, the Flyers will be a more defensively capable team while retaining their firepower up front. The talented Ray Emery is back in North America having spent a year in Siberia getting his act straightened out. With a new attitude and a fresh slate, Emery is joining a team with a great veteran presence, great leadership, and great management, and should be the same Emery that brought the Senators to the Stanley Cup Finals back in 2007 rather than the Emery that tore that same team apart the very next year. Up front this team is world class and boasts a top six forward bunch matched only by the likes of Chicago and Detroit. Remember that this is a team that is only one year removed from an Eastern Conference championship run. I expect another one this year.
Zero: Ottawa Senators
- The Sens missed the playoffs last year for the first time in 12 years, and unless Brian Murray can cure his team of this Dany Heatley mess, expect the same this year. If for some reason Heater is still in a Senators uniform come October, this team will fall apart at the seams with little veteran presence or management savvy to pick up the pieces. The off season acquisition of Alex Kovalev from the equally troubled Montreal Canadiens will likely do nothing to remedy this situation in Ottawa seeing how he handled those problems last year with the Habs. What a mess… LOL!
Weirdo: Montreal Canadiens
- Coming off one of the most disappointing seasons in franchise history, the Habs made all kinds of moves in the offseason and completely retooled the lineup. Out are leading scorer Alex Kovalev and long time captain Saku Koivu as well as Alex Tanguay, Robert Lang, and Chris Higgins. In are Scott Gomez, Brian Gionta, and Mike Cammalleri, a natural pick as the trio playing on the top line. Going into 09-10, there are just too many questions that can’t be answered before the puck drops. Can Carey Price bounce back from his sophomore slump and be the goalie Montreal fans expect him to be? Will the new crop of forwards mesh well together? Who will provide leadership? Will the Kostitsyns bounce back from off-years? Can Montreal fans and management forget about the train wreck that was last season?
Rebuttal to Jones’ Toronto Maple Leafs comments…
- The Leafs, who were dead last in defense and penalty killing in 08-09, addressed this problem in the off season by picking up three stud defensemen and a backup goalie who led his team to the Swedish Elite League title allowing 14 goals in 13 playoff games (Spesh (Kieran) called him “meatball”, which is obviously a typo of his moniker, “Monster”—no worries). Having scored more goals last year than division winners Vancouver and New Jersey, clearly Toronto has enough firepower in the lineup to compete with the top teams. Burke has expertly molded this team into a contender using the exact same blueprint he did when he was in Anaheim, which resulted in a Stanley Cup championship. Collectively, Toronto’s lineup weighs more than a Greyhound bus, and I’m looking forward to seeing them run over the Mini Coopers of the Northeast Division.
Now we know that pretty much every reader out there will disagree with one, some, or all of our picks, heck, we even want to undo some of our colleagues picks, because they are just way too outlandish. However, thanks to the beauty of the internet, you, the reader, can do something about it and tell us how wrong we are and who you think the Hero, Zero, and Weirdo will be. NHLEF OUT!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The Best of the Rest All-Star Team
In these times of economic despair, people are losing their jobs and finding it difficult to find suitable employment. This goes for NHL hockey players as well. Sure most of them probably have enough money to live a comfortable life until they die, but who wants to sit around on their rump watching Maury, the Price is Right, and One Life to Live, for days, months, and years on end. Not many people. So for you General Mangers who read the NHLEF regularly and are looking to improve the life and well-being of a hockey player who is down on his luck, here is the NHLEF All-Star team of the more notable unrestricted free agents still waiting for a steady paycheck.
Goaltenders
Many Fernandez- At one point he was seen as the Bruins new viable number one goaltender. That was until he got injured and Tim Thomas finally learned how to play hockey at the tender age of 35. Since then, Fernandez found himself back-up to the Vezina Winner of 2008/2009. However, despite this sad sounding career, Manny put up some of the best numbers of all of the back-up goaltenders in the league, posting a 16-8-3 record, a 2.59 GAA, and a 910 SV%. Not too shabby at all. Looking at some teams that could use a solid veteran goalie who can take the number one job if he needs too, would be wise to approach this man. Some teams that jump to mind are Washington, Colorado, Montreal, Florida, Los Angeles, and the New York Islanders (because Garth Snow seems to love signing goaltenders without jobs).
Kevin Weeks- No, he’s not a number one goalie, and yes, there are a lot of better goalies in the NHL. However, he does deserve to have a shot at backing up goaltender who isn’t as established as Martin Brodeur like this past season. He is athletic goaltender who has played his fair share of games and is just 34 years old. Not over the hill just yet, but not a new born either. He would be a bargain, probably signing for just over the league minimum. Teams that need a back-up goaltender and want that back-up goaltender to know he is a back-up, none of that “I am going to steal the number one job” would be wise to sign this man to a contract.
Defensemen
Martin Skoula- He will just turn 30 when the NHL season kicks off, Skoula would make a decent 3-6 defensemen on any team. He is not a huge offensive threat, but knows how defend the better players on opposing teams. He is not injury prone, so he will give you at least 80 games a season. Teams looking for defensive depth such as Edmonton, New York Islanders, Florida, and Carolina might want to try and get this guy.
Rhett Warrener- This guy is not skilled, he is injury prone, and he is not pretty to look at. But if you are looking for a guy that you can plug into your backend (that came out wrong) to block shots, take a beating, and drop the gloves once in awhile, this guy is your man.
Mathieu Schneider- If a power-play quarterback is what you are looking for, this guy brings it to the table. Schneider is one of the top power-play defensemen in the game and is currently without a team. Age is an issue however, at 40, so he won’t be the same all-around defenseman most of us know him as. But he will provide leadership and power-play points to any team he goes to. Every team that finished in the lower half of PP% should be looking at this guy.
Dennis Seidenberg- It is a mystery to why this guy is still available or why Carolina gave up on him, but he is out there. He’s only 28, hit career highs in all major stat categories last season, with 70 games played, 5 goals, and 25 assists, for a total of 30 points. He also had 6 points in the playoffs this past season, and was instrumental in Carolina’s surprising run to the Eastern Conference Final. No, he’s not a franchise defenseman, but he is a guy you can plug in at the 4, 5, 6 spot and he will bring you both offensive and defensive upsides. Any team would be wise to sign this guy for a bargain.
Greg de Vries- He is on the downside of his career for sure, but he will also sign for next to no money, so he can become a very affordable 6 or 7 defenseman. He is at the age where his experiences in the NHL are of some value to the next generation of players as well.
Chris Chelios- Just joking, he should just retire already. We just needed a sixth guy to round out this squad on the backend.
Forwards
Robert Lang- Lang is a solid point producing centre man who would be an asset to any team, for the right price. He proved how valuable he was when he went down to injury last season with the Habs, and the team never really recovered afterwards. He is dependable for secondary scoring, but he can also play as a primary scorer, if he is put in the right situation.
Todd Bertuzzi- After a year in Calgary, Bertuzzi reestablished himself as a NHL player. He is not the same threat as he was in his Canucks days, but he is yet another decent player to fill the role of secondary scorer. His size and aggressive play would benefit smaller teams such as Montreal, Phoenix, and say it aint so, Vancouver.
Mike Comrie- Comrie earned $4 million last season with the Islanders and the Senators. Needless to say he understands he will be taking a pay cut if he returns this NHL season. Not yet the star many made him out to be in his Edmonton days, Comrie provides a second or third line centre that can pass, score, and dangle. For the right money, he would no doubt be a benefit to any team. Also he brings Hilary Duff to the team as well…so that’s always appreciated…you knew it was coming…you know the NHLEF too well.
Petr Sykora- He won the Stanley Cup last year, netted 20-plus goals for the tenth season in a row, is a decent age at 32, and he is available to any NHL team. Out of all of the forwards thus far, Sykora is the best secondary scorer that is available. He can help any teams power play and makes other players look even better i.e. Sidney Crosby and Evgani Malkin. Teams such as Ottawa, Toronto, San Jose, Washington, and Dallas who are looking for solid secondary scoring, should inquire for this guy.
Alex Tanguay- Some say he is overrated, some say he is underrated, but either way, he is the top overall forward left on the market. He is strong both offensively and defensively. He is a five time 20 goal scorer and is only 29. If gets a chance to play with some skilled players, he could be a very good signing. He is going to taking a pay cut from last year, so pretty much any NHL team can afford him.
Rob Niedermayer- This grinder has a cup ring and knows his role on a hockey club. He is a big guy who can win you face-offs. A team looking to make a run at the Cup this season may look to Rob for some experience and depth. And if you sign Rob, there is always a chance Scott may want to come play too, not likely, but you can always hope.
Maxim Afinogenov- The Sabres and Maxim finally parted ways after several disappointing seasons by the Russian. Once referred to as the next Pavel Bure, Maxim has struggled to find consistency. However, when he does get into a groove he is one of the most dangerous goal scorers in the game. Signing this guy is a roll of the dice, can either be a big payoff or a bust. However, like most European players without a NHL suitor, Maxim may skate his way on over to one of the Russian leagues.
Boyd Devereaux- This former 6th overall draft choice of the Edmonton Oilers has yet to find any real offensive success in the NHL. However, he is a hard working player who can fit on the 3rd or 4th lines of any NHL team. Look for this guy to sign somewhere out of the norm such as Nashville, Columbus, or Florida.
Tomas Plihal- This Czechoslovakian native is only 26 and is on the free agent market. He has played 89 NHL games, but has only totaled 16 points. However, that was on a San Jose team that had plenty of other guys to depend on for points. Given his lack of success in the NHL so far, he will not be signing a very large contract, which makes him an affordable inquiry. Given a more pivotal role on a NHL team, might trigger his sniping potential.
Manny Malhotra- Drafted 7th overall in 1998 by the New York Rangers, Malhotra is trying to find a team that will take his third line centre capabilities. He is not a huge offensive threat, but can be a dangerous from time to time. His defensive skills are right near the top of the league for forwards, which is always great to have for any teams’ penalty killing units. Look for this guy to either sign with a Canadian team or go to one of the European leagues.
Dominic Moore- This Harvard graduate and brother of Steve Moore is best known for his time with the Toronto Maple Leafs. Last season he put up an impressive 41 points in 63 games with the Leafs, not bad for a waiver pick-up from the previous season. However, he was dealt to the Buffalo Sabers and struggled offensively only scoring 4 points in 18 games. Moore is a hard working grinder, who can score on occasion and is a team player in the locker room, and all for an affordable price. He will no doubt be picked up sometime before the season starts.
Marcel Goc- At only 25, Goc is another youngster that the Sharks decided to part ways with this offseason. With the oddest sounding last name in the NHL, Goc suffered from playing on such a skilled team, probably not getting as much ice time as he would get elsewhere. He has the potential to become a top six forward in the NHL for a long time. Teams looking for secondary scoring at a very cheap price should look into this guy before he packs his bags and signs with a European league.
So there you have it, the top players who are still looking for a place of employment. We provided some poor analysis which may help some General Managers make their decision on whom to sign at the last minute to round out their roster. We know it’s not nearly as good as an “All-Star Team” or even a regular NHL team, but we have to try and provide some ray of sunshine to these players’ sad summers thus far. NHLEF OUT!
Goaltenders
Many Fernandez- At one point he was seen as the Bruins new viable number one goaltender. That was until he got injured and Tim Thomas finally learned how to play hockey at the tender age of 35. Since then, Fernandez found himself back-up to the Vezina Winner of 2008/2009. However, despite this sad sounding career, Manny put up some of the best numbers of all of the back-up goaltenders in the league, posting a 16-8-3 record, a 2.59 GAA, and a 910 SV%. Not too shabby at all. Looking at some teams that could use a solid veteran goalie who can take the number one job if he needs too, would be wise to approach this man. Some teams that jump to mind are Washington, Colorado, Montreal, Florida, Los Angeles, and the New York Islanders (because Garth Snow seems to love signing goaltenders without jobs).
Kevin Weeks- No, he’s not a number one goalie, and yes, there are a lot of better goalies in the NHL. However, he does deserve to have a shot at backing up goaltender who isn’t as established as Martin Brodeur like this past season. He is athletic goaltender who has played his fair share of games and is just 34 years old. Not over the hill just yet, but not a new born either. He would be a bargain, probably signing for just over the league minimum. Teams that need a back-up goaltender and want that back-up goaltender to know he is a back-up, none of that “I am going to steal the number one job” would be wise to sign this man to a contract.
Defensemen
Martin Skoula- He will just turn 30 when the NHL season kicks off, Skoula would make a decent 3-6 defensemen on any team. He is not a huge offensive threat, but knows how defend the better players on opposing teams. He is not injury prone, so he will give you at least 80 games a season. Teams looking for defensive depth such as Edmonton, New York Islanders, Florida, and Carolina might want to try and get this guy.
Rhett Warrener- This guy is not skilled, he is injury prone, and he is not pretty to look at. But if you are looking for a guy that you can plug into your backend (that came out wrong) to block shots, take a beating, and drop the gloves once in awhile, this guy is your man.
Mathieu Schneider- If a power-play quarterback is what you are looking for, this guy brings it to the table. Schneider is one of the top power-play defensemen in the game and is currently without a team. Age is an issue however, at 40, so he won’t be the same all-around defenseman most of us know him as. But he will provide leadership and power-play points to any team he goes to. Every team that finished in the lower half of PP% should be looking at this guy.
Dennis Seidenberg- It is a mystery to why this guy is still available or why Carolina gave up on him, but he is out there. He’s only 28, hit career highs in all major stat categories last season, with 70 games played, 5 goals, and 25 assists, for a total of 30 points. He also had 6 points in the playoffs this past season, and was instrumental in Carolina’s surprising run to the Eastern Conference Final. No, he’s not a franchise defenseman, but he is a guy you can plug in at the 4, 5, 6 spot and he will bring you both offensive and defensive upsides. Any team would be wise to sign this guy for a bargain.
Greg de Vries- He is on the downside of his career for sure, but he will also sign for next to no money, so he can become a very affordable 6 or 7 defenseman. He is at the age where his experiences in the NHL are of some value to the next generation of players as well.
Chris Chelios- Just joking, he should just retire already. We just needed a sixth guy to round out this squad on the backend.
Forwards
Robert Lang- Lang is a solid point producing centre man who would be an asset to any team, for the right price. He proved how valuable he was when he went down to injury last season with the Habs, and the team never really recovered afterwards. He is dependable for secondary scoring, but he can also play as a primary scorer, if he is put in the right situation.
Todd Bertuzzi- After a year in Calgary, Bertuzzi reestablished himself as a NHL player. He is not the same threat as he was in his Canucks days, but he is yet another decent player to fill the role of secondary scorer. His size and aggressive play would benefit smaller teams such as Montreal, Phoenix, and say it aint so, Vancouver.
Mike Comrie- Comrie earned $4 million last season with the Islanders and the Senators. Needless to say he understands he will be taking a pay cut if he returns this NHL season. Not yet the star many made him out to be in his Edmonton days, Comrie provides a second or third line centre that can pass, score, and dangle. For the right money, he would no doubt be a benefit to any team. Also he brings Hilary Duff to the team as well…so that’s always appreciated…you knew it was coming…you know the NHLEF too well.
Petr Sykora- He won the Stanley Cup last year, netted 20-plus goals for the tenth season in a row, is a decent age at 32, and he is available to any NHL team. Out of all of the forwards thus far, Sykora is the best secondary scorer that is available. He can help any teams power play and makes other players look even better i.e. Sidney Crosby and Evgani Malkin. Teams such as Ottawa, Toronto, San Jose, Washington, and Dallas who are looking for solid secondary scoring, should inquire for this guy.
Alex Tanguay- Some say he is overrated, some say he is underrated, but either way, he is the top overall forward left on the market. He is strong both offensively and defensively. He is a five time 20 goal scorer and is only 29. If gets a chance to play with some skilled players, he could be a very good signing. He is going to taking a pay cut from last year, so pretty much any NHL team can afford him.
Rob Niedermayer- This grinder has a cup ring and knows his role on a hockey club. He is a big guy who can win you face-offs. A team looking to make a run at the Cup this season may look to Rob for some experience and depth. And if you sign Rob, there is always a chance Scott may want to come play too, not likely, but you can always hope.
Maxim Afinogenov- The Sabres and Maxim finally parted ways after several disappointing seasons by the Russian. Once referred to as the next Pavel Bure, Maxim has struggled to find consistency. However, when he does get into a groove he is one of the most dangerous goal scorers in the game. Signing this guy is a roll of the dice, can either be a big payoff or a bust. However, like most European players without a NHL suitor, Maxim may skate his way on over to one of the Russian leagues.
Boyd Devereaux- This former 6th overall draft choice of the Edmonton Oilers has yet to find any real offensive success in the NHL. However, he is a hard working player who can fit on the 3rd or 4th lines of any NHL team. Look for this guy to sign somewhere out of the norm such as Nashville, Columbus, or Florida.
Tomas Plihal- This Czechoslovakian native is only 26 and is on the free agent market. He has played 89 NHL games, but has only totaled 16 points. However, that was on a San Jose team that had plenty of other guys to depend on for points. Given his lack of success in the NHL so far, he will not be signing a very large contract, which makes him an affordable inquiry. Given a more pivotal role on a NHL team, might trigger his sniping potential.
Manny Malhotra- Drafted 7th overall in 1998 by the New York Rangers, Malhotra is trying to find a team that will take his third line centre capabilities. He is not a huge offensive threat, but can be a dangerous from time to time. His defensive skills are right near the top of the league for forwards, which is always great to have for any teams’ penalty killing units. Look for this guy to either sign with a Canadian team or go to one of the European leagues.
Dominic Moore- This Harvard graduate and brother of Steve Moore is best known for his time with the Toronto Maple Leafs. Last season he put up an impressive 41 points in 63 games with the Leafs, not bad for a waiver pick-up from the previous season. However, he was dealt to the Buffalo Sabers and struggled offensively only scoring 4 points in 18 games. Moore is a hard working grinder, who can score on occasion and is a team player in the locker room, and all for an affordable price. He will no doubt be picked up sometime before the season starts.
Marcel Goc- At only 25, Goc is another youngster that the Sharks decided to part ways with this offseason. With the oddest sounding last name in the NHL, Goc suffered from playing on such a skilled team, probably not getting as much ice time as he would get elsewhere. He has the potential to become a top six forward in the NHL for a long time. Teams looking for secondary scoring at a very cheap price should look into this guy before he packs his bags and signs with a European league.
So there you have it, the top players who are still looking for a place of employment. We provided some poor analysis which may help some General Managers make their decision on whom to sign at the last minute to round out their roster. We know it’s not nearly as good as an “All-Star Team” or even a regular NHL team, but we have to try and provide some ray of sunshine to these players’ sad summers thus far. NHLEF OUT!
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