Just in case you live in a cave in Afghanistan (that’s you, Osama), the NHL pre-season has started. And as per usual, everyone is losing their minds over the return of hockey and what each team’s pre-season success or failure means for the upcoming Show. Now, most people realize that pre-season means nothing in terms of team ability in the long run. However, this does not mean that there is no merit to hockey in September. In fact, I have 10 amazing reasons that you should pay attention and watch Sportscentre in the morning.
10 – Something exciting is finally on! No longer do you have to watch lumberjack competitions, Cup-stacking World Cup, or the 11 billionth baseball highlight of someone hitting a ball or someone catching said ball. Those guys are all fakes anyway – if I had to play 162 games in a season, I would be on horse hormones too.
9 – It’s Canadian. There is a grand total of about 6 Canadians in baseball, and 1 team. I think there was a Canadian football player once too, and I hear rumours about a Canadian football league, but I think it’s just a fantasy pool. The return of hockey means ice, beer, beards and good Canadian boys. So lissen up – if you’re Canadian, you will pay attention. If not, you’re a terrorist. And you don’t want to be a terrorist.
8 – Pierre McGuire is still on summer break. This is fantastic news. No between the bench interviews, no drooling over Dion Phaneuf, no comments about how Pierre was working out in the weight room and bench pressed more than Alex Ovechkin – this is about as awesome as TSN gets. Sure, the commentators they do have on are third rate, but at least your eardrums don’t come back bloody and crying.
7 – All the washed up old guys. Where else can you see a 40-year old man attempt to play a professional sport? The best known examples are obviously Theo Fleury and Jason Allison, and they show every pond-hockey playing dad out there that it’s never too late. Allison can barely move on skates, but he’s still chugging along, and Fleury sniped the game winner in the shootout the other night for the Flames. Keep plugging away boys, and careful on those hip checks, you don’t want to break something and end your career. Again.
6 – The young guns. Similar to the above, because teams are trying to judge the skill of the players in the system, you get to see loads of talent that is usually hiding in the minors. Whether you’re watching a young goalie being humiliated by the opposing team’s first line snipers, a struggling 19-year old forward who has barely hit puberty trying to skate around grown men, or a crazy power forward throwing illegal hits on veterans, the kids always put on a good show.
5 – Enthusiastic crowds. Often pre-season games are held in non-NHL cities with fans who rarely get the chance to see an NHL game. These fans are so juiced that you can actually hear them react to action on the ice, unlike your average night at the ACC. With cheaper tickets, it allows those with lower income but greater team spirit and fewer inhibitions to be fanatic. And who doesn’t like a good riot?
4 – A reason to drink beer without looking like an alcoholic. Hockey exists simply so you can ration your beers to x number per period. If you’re a one-per-period guy, than you seem reasonable. If you’re a five-per-period guy, you’re a little more hardcore. If you’re a ten-per-period, you should probably enter AA. And if you have a period, you’re probably not reading this website.
3 – Fights! Often there are more fights per period in pre-season than in an entire NHL game. Young kids trying to make the team tend to square off against other young aspiring tough guys, and good tilts often result. Or against Mike Comrie, who dropped the mitts with some random dude who is probably never going to make the NHL. Oil Country was disillusioned and disappointed with Mike not too long ago, but it’s amazing what a few punches to the face can change.
2 – It’s not school! With the start of September comes a return to the grind. Classes, readings, taking notes, quizzes, odd teachers who either hate your guts or expect you to be the next Albert Einstein – all stress simply melts away, and you can simply enjoy some decent hockey.
1 – Dion Phaneuf’s hit on Kyle Okposo. Unreal. If you haven’t seen it, go to YouTube right now. Possibly a headshot, but without an official league ruling, we’re going to call it legit, and tell you to watch it multiple times. Something to try in your local beer league, for sure.
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