The Pre-Season Gong Show - 10 reasons why it’s awesome!

Just in case you live in a cave in Afghanistan (that’s you, Osama), the NHL pre-season has started. And as per usual, everyone is losing their minds over the return of hockey and what each team’s pre-season success or failure means for the upcoming Show. Now, most people realize that pre-season means nothing in terms of team ability in the long run. However, this does not mean that there is no merit to hockey in September. In fact, I have 10 amazing reasons that you should pay attention and watch Sportscentre in the morning.


10 – Something exciting is finally on! No longer do you have to watch lumberjack competitions, Cup-stacking World Cup, or the 11 billionth baseball highlight of someone hitting a ball or someone catching said ball. Those guys are all fakes anyway – if I had to play 162 games in a season, I would be on horse hormones too.

9 – It’s Canadian. There is a grand total of about 6 Canadians in baseball, and 1 team. I think there was a Canadian football player once too, and I hear rumours about a Canadian football league, but I think it’s just a fantasy pool. The return of hockey means ice, beer, beards and good Canadian boys. So lissen up – if you’re Canadian, you will pay attention. If not, you’re a terrorist. And you don’t want to be a terrorist.

8 – Pierre McGuire is still on summer break. This is fantastic news. No between the bench interviews, no drooling over Dion Phaneuf, no comments about how Pierre was working out in the weight room and bench pressed more than Alex Ovechkin – this is about as awesome as TSN gets. Sure, the commentators they do have on are third rate, but at least your eardrums don’t come back bloody and crying.

7 – All the washed up old guys. Where else can you see a 40-year old man attempt to play a professional sport? The best known examples are obviously Theo Fleury and Jason Allison, and they show every pond-hockey playing dad out there that it’s never too late. Allison can barely move on skates, but he’s still chugging along, and Fleury sniped the game winner in the shootout the other night for the Flames. Keep plugging away boys, and careful on those hip checks, you don’t want to break something and end your career. Again.

6 – The young guns. Similar to the above, because teams are trying to judge the skill of the players in the system, you get to see loads of talent that is usually hiding in the minors. Whether you’re watching a young goalie being humiliated by the opposing team’s first line snipers, a struggling 19-year old forward who has barely hit puberty trying to skate around grown men, or a crazy power forward throwing illegal hits on veterans, the kids always put on a good show.

5 – Enthusiastic crowds. Often pre-season games are held in non-NHL cities with fans who rarely get the chance to see an NHL game. These fans are so juiced that you can actually hear them react to action on the ice, unlike your average night at the ACC. With cheaper tickets, it allows those with lower income but greater team spirit and fewer inhibitions to be fanatic. And who doesn’t like a good riot?

4 – A reason to drink beer without looking like an alcoholic. Hockey exists simply so you can ration your beers to x number per period. If you’re a one-per-period guy, than you seem reasonable. If you’re a five-per-period guy, you’re a little more hardcore. If you’re a ten-per-period, you should probably enter AA. And if you have a period, you’re probably not reading this website.

3 – Fights! Often there are more fights per period in pre-season than in an entire NHL game. Young kids trying to make the team tend to square off against other young aspiring tough guys, and good tilts often result. Or against Mike Comrie, who dropped the mitts with some random dude who is probably never going to make the NHL. Oil Country was disillusioned and disappointed with Mike not too long ago, but it’s amazing what a few punches to the face can change.

2 – It’s not school! With the start of September comes a return to the grind. Classes, readings, taking notes, quizzes, odd teachers who either hate your guts or expect you to be the next Albert Einstein – all stress simply melts away, and you can simply enjoy some decent hockey.

1 – Dion Phaneuf’s hit on Kyle Okposo. Unreal. If you haven’t seen it, go to YouTube right now. Possibly a headshot, but without an official league ruling, we’re going to call it legit, and tell you to watch it multiple times. Something to try in your local beer league, for sure.


NHL-EF Legal Disclaimer: Please do not take anything we write as an acceptable course of action for your own life. Meant to be humorous dialogue rather than words to live by. That being said, we're not making you sign a waiver, so do what you want. NHL-EF OUT!

Phoenix Coyotes Telemarketing

A 37 year old man is about to sit down and enjoy his diner with his wife and two young boys, aged 8 and 10. Just as he begins to say “So how was everyone’s day?” the telephone rings…

“Hello”

“Good evening, I am calling on behalf of the Phoenix Coyotes organization and we are wondering if you would like to purchase tickets for the upcoming 2009/2010 season?”

“What are the Phoenix Coyotes?”

“They are a local National Hockey League team.”

“Oh, yes. I heard they were moving from Hamilton to here last week.”

“No, you have it backwards.”

“So the team is moving to Hamilton?”

“We don’t think so.”

“So why did you say it was backwards?”

“Well there were rumors that Jim Balsilie was going to buy the team and move it to Hamilton.”

“So the team is moving to Hamilton.”

“No, not at the moment.”

“But they can at some point?”

“I guess they can move at some point, but the league is trying its hardest to keep the team in Phoenix.”

“Oh ok, I guess that clears that up, thanks for calling.”

“Wait! Would you be interested in buying season tickets?”

“I don’t know, I only know a few players in the NHL, did the team acquire any big names for this season?

“Lauri Korpikoski was the teams big signing”

“I have never heard of her.”

“Lauri Korpikoski is a man.”

“Oh, so the top player has the same name as my wife?”

“I suppose so.”

“Is this some kind of joke?”

“No, Lauri Korpikoski is a legitimate NHL player who has loads of potential.”

“I find that hard to believe”

“You better believe it, this team is the real deal.”

“How many tickets have you sold so far?”

“We sold tickets to all the fans that rallied for the team to stay in Phoenix.”

“When was that? How many is that?”

“It was a couple of months ago at the teams’ official pub. We sold about 75 tickets.”

“Oh ya, I thought that was a small family reunion of some sort, with all of the matching shirts and all.”

“Those are the team jerseys.”

“Really? For a family reunion they weren’t bad, but a professional sports team…”

“So what do you say? Wanna buy some tickets?”

“I don’t know, it sounds like not many people are interested in this team. Why is the team staying here?”

“To satisfy the fans of Phoenix.”

“All 75?”

“75 is being modest, I am sure there are more.”

“I think you should let that Jim Silly fellow buy the team and move it to Canada, they enjoy hockey I think.”

“Don’t you want to have a hockey team in the city of Phoenix?”

“I honestly want to have diner with my family right now.”

“I’ll tell you what sir; I will throw in 20 pairs of free tickets if you buy one set of tickets now.”

“I don’t think I am interested, sorry.”

“Well thank you for your time. And keep supporting the Coyotes!”

“What are the Coyotes?”

“The hockey team we have been discussing.”

“Oh sorry, yes, it’s just such a strange name for a sports team. What’s next the Ducks? HAHA”

“There is a team named the Ducks.”

“What?!?!”

“Yes, in Anaheim.”

“A team in Anaheim? Doesn’t hockey require ice?”

“Yes.”

“This is getting ridiculous.”

“So what do you say? Wanna buy some tickets?”

“To Ducks games? Are they going to be moving to Hamilton?”

“No, but sir…”

“Put me down for a pair of tickets, my son enjoys the Disney Mighty Ducks films.”

“Oh…ok…I will make that pair for the game between… the Anaheim Ducks…and…the Phoenix Coyotes.”

“Great.”

“Thank you for your time sir.”

“Thank you.”

NHLEF OUT!

What Your Favourite NHL Team Says About YOU.

What Your Favourite NHL Team says about you

In today’s NHL there are 30 teams spanning two countries, 3 provinces and a bunch of states (I don’t care enough about those ones to count accurately). These 30 teams each sport a unique look, stadium, roster and set of values, and each strives to be a successful business as well as hockey team. Each team also has a unique set of fans to go with their characteristics. For our purposes, we’re going to examine fan preferences in Ontario alone, because we’re thoroughly confused about why there is a fan of the Nashville Predators in Ontario, much less the world. And we spend most of our time in Ontario, so we feel like we can accurately criticize fans from the area. So without further confusion, we present - What Your Favourite NHL Team Says About YOU.

Washington Capitals – You can name one hockey player in the world, and it’s Alex Ovechkin. You have become a fan of hockey only in the past 2 years, you never sit down to watch a game, and couldn’t pick out the blue line on a hockey rink if it was labeled for you.

Boston Bruins – You’re loud, aggressive and prone to ridiculous hockey arguments. You have been following hockey since you crawled out of the womb, but have kept you allegiances fairly low key. This was due to previous bonehead moves by your franchise, such as trading Joe Thornton for a large double double, or signing Mike Ryder after everyone else had realized he was garbage. However, recently you have been flying the Bruins pride, because they actually did well for once in the last 10 years.

Colorado Avalanche – You were a fan of the Nordiques, and refuse to cheer for the Canadians, so your allegiance went west with the Avs. You probably think that Patrick Roy, Rob Blake, Peter Forsberg and Joe Sakic still play for the Avalanche because you haven’t paid any attention to the NHL in years. If you have been paying attention, you only talk about how the Avs team with those guys could beat any team on the ice today.

Phoenix Coyotes – Your name is Jim Balsillie, and you don’t actually like the Coyotes, you just want to move them to Hamilton.

Anaheim Ducks – You watched the Mighty Ducks movies growing up as a kid, and think that the team in Anaheim is simply an extension of the movie series. On the occasion that you do catch a game, you’re confused that Goldberg and The Bash Brothers aren’t on the ice, and that all the players are much bigger than you remember.

Pittsburgh Penguins – You grew up in the 90’s, inundated with propaganda about how Sidney Crosby is the next God, how he sweats Gatorade, and saves children from burning buildings. Like him, you probably can’t grow a beard, but unlike him, you aren’t friends with Mario Lemieux.

Ottawa Senators – You jumped on the bandwagon as soon as the team was placed in the city, and are one of the few people still on it. You’re loyal to a fault, have the ability to ignore mountains of evidence when other fans harass you about lack of success, and don’t really understand what the position of goaltending is for. “You mean the goalie is supposed to STOP the puck?? Why were we paying Patrick Lalime for all those years??”

Toronto Maple Leafs – Two different subgroups in this one. One group is the diehard fan who knows all the Leaf players numbers, countries of origin, career statistics, nose hair length and local address. This fan bleeds blue and white, and is often drunk and morose after each night the Leafs play. The other is the person who doesn’t want to seem unpatriotic and dislike hockey, so they select the most iconic team in the country to cheer for. Also often drunk after a game night, but more because they were busy drinking rather than watching the game. Both groups are blind to facts and arguments regarding the shortcomings of their team, and consider the Leafs a perennial cup contender. This is despite the clear evidence of consistent terrible drafting and managing for the past 40 years.

Vancouver Canucks – You can’t bring yourself to cheer for either the Sens or the Leafs, so you contract out to the West Coast. You’re enthusiastic about hockey, but not diehard, as you rarely get to see your team play games because then you would have to stay up past your bedtime.

Nashville Predators – You thought the logo was cool when they were introduced as an expansion team, and haven’t thought about the NHL ever since.

New York Rangers – You’re a rich asshole who thinks he’s better than everyone else.

New Jersey Devils – You don’t actually watch hockey or like it. If you did, you wouldn’t be a fan of the most boring team in the league. You mainly enjoy people getting hurt, and things haven’t been the same since Scott Stevens retired.

Montreal Canadians – Despite the fact that the team has not won a cup in the last 5 years, you are a bandwagon fan. You love the Canadians because every time someone criticizes them, you trot out the fact that they have won more cups than any other team, and have been around for 100 years. Sure, you argue, they did fold like straw hut in a hurricane last season, but look at all those cups they’ve won. Like it matters at this point.

Calgary Flames – You hate Edmonton.

Edmonton Oilers – You hate Calgary.

Hartford Whalers – You’re 6 feet underground.

Atlanta Thrashers – You enjoy golf in the spring.

Minnesota Wild – You respect the most financially successful team in the US market, a team that has impressed from its expansion inception into the league with consistent, solid results. However, after this past offseason in which the ownership turned its back on the franchise player and instead welcomed an overrated, no-good greaser into the fold, you are left a broken husk of a man, looking forlornly at your Wild hat, wondering if a time will ever come again where you will be proud to wear it.

While we may have skipped a few, those are the major defining characteristics of teams and their fans. What’s up for next week? Pooping at work: legitimate avoidance tactic, or disgusting habit? You decide. NHL-EF Out!