People who need a good thrashing by Nik Kronwall

If you have been watching Sportscenter at all in the last week, you would have noticed a few things. John Tortorella is still not on the TSN panel, the Blue Jays have realized that their roster is garbage and they’re from a country that doesn’t care about baseball, and that the Montreal Canadians are no longer in the playoffs, and it’s all Carey Price’s fault. However, more important than all of that is the absolute moshing that Niklas Kronwall gave Martin Havlat.

Here at the NHLEF we appreciate such wallpaperings, because hockey is a contact sport and Kronwall – clearly - is a great hitter. All this is good, yet it the focus is in the wrong place. Instead of discussing the merits of Kronwall, we need to remind ourselves who he hit, namely Martin Havlat. Career underachiever, playoff flop, contract year hustler, greasy, under-talented, over-appreciated, over-hyped, dirty, injury-prone, whiner, sleazeball, there are plenty of words to describe Martin Havlat’s career, but none of them applied to this past season. Havlat put up an incredibly durable campaign. He scored career highs in points and led a young Blackhawks team back into the playoffs and aided in the domination of the Calgary Flames and the upset of the Vancouver Canucks. And you know what? Screw him! As has been evident numerous times in NHLEF writings, no one hates a comeback story like us. And so, we applaud Kronwall for turning Havlat into a pile of mush on the ice. Make him pay for that great season. Teach him a lesson about hustle, determination and beating injuries. Next time Havlat, follow the example of Alex Daigle and just stay down.

After his domination of Martin, we’d like Kronwall to tackle a few other high-profile (or not) NHL players:

Ales Hemsky – Watch any Oilers game and you’ll see Hemsky take the puck, skate multiple laps of the offensive zone, hold the puck on a dozen good passing opportunities and dangle on half a dozen perfect shots, only to give up the puck to Chris Stewart of the Avalanche and go off on a change. Maybe Kronwall lowering the boom will reorganizing something in Hemsky’s brain, most importantly the fact that the puck is allowed to leave his stick. You can thank us later, Craig MacTavish.

Jarkko Ruutu – Incessant yapping about nothing useful, a lack of interest in dropping the gloves and lackluster offensive, defensive and fore play characterize Ruutu’s hockey style. The pesky Finn really has nothing going for him except for some sharp teeth, which he uses to bite opponents when in scrums, rather than facewash the other guy with his smelly glove. It’s tough to chirp, bite, or act like a moron when you’re knocked out at the blueline.

Sidney Crosby – The next Wayne Gretzky just won a battle with Ovechkin in what the NHL thought was the best thing to happen to it since the swine flu forced all the American vacationers to stay home from Mexico and watch the playoffs. Crosby is 21 and poised to return to the Stanley Cup Finals for the second time in as many years, and yet he still hasn’t figured out that he needs to grow a decent playoff beard. With a little bit of charging, Kronwall can probably wipe that dirty ‘stache right off Crosby’s face.

Pavel Datsyuk – The guy is supposed to be on the Wings top line. The go-to guy next to Hank Zetterberg. Datsyuk is in the running for several NHL awards, was a team leader in several categories and is an all around great guy except for the fact that he has never been seen to do an interview. His playoff stats? A whopping 1 goal and 6 assists. Tied for 50^th in playoff scoring behind such offensive powerhouses as Cam Barker, Chad LaRose and Dave Bolland. Maybe a little tap by Kronwall would loosen up those offensive skills a little. At least it would give him an excuse to quietly slink away. And yes, I do know that he’s injured, shut the hell up.

The Entire New York Rangers – Overpaid, underachieving, uninspiring, offensively-untalented, coached by an uncreative, aggressive and ill-dressed Italian, the Rangers are the worst thing to happen to the NHL since Sean Avery. Oh wait, he’s part of the team too. The Rangers acquired Nik Antropov in a trade deadline deal with the Maple Leafs and Antropov automatically became the Rangers leading point-getter. And he came from the LEAFS. Anyone need any more reasons for why Kronwall should take runs at the entire Blueshirts?

Brian Lee – I won’t beat around the bush here - Brian Lee is without a doubt the worst defenseman in the NHL. He’s billed as a mobile offensive threat, yet in 53 games he potted 2 goals and 11 assists. And it’s not because he’s responsible in his own end – his 5’10 frame that carries 125 lbs when soaking wet means he fits into youth jersey’s well, but really doesn’t do any damage when battling with Milan Lucic or Jerome Iginla in the corners. He wouldn’t get drafted onto my pond hockey team, so I have no idea how he managed to crack an NHL lineup, even one as woeful as the Sens. If Kronwall could find him to hit, maybe Brian could give finally give up his hockey career and switch to something more his speed, like knitting.

Gary Bettman – Give Jim and Southern Ontario their NHL team. Trade the ‘Yotes in for the ‘Berries. Go from garbage in the desert to trash in the snow belt, but money making trash. Just look at the Leafs. Gary, if you don’t face the facts, Kronwall will put you through the glass. Actually, he should probably mosh you regardless.

Got any ideas of who you’d like to get pummeled? That’s what the comments are for. As usual, the NHLEF is here to listen to your problems, smile and nod, pretend to care and understand, and then tell you you’re completely wrong. NHLEF out!

NHL Fans

There are many different types of fans at NHL games, enthusiastic fans, laid back fans, green fans, and Mexican fans. Just like other sports, hockey has many distinctive fans that are worth writing and reading about, or at least we think so here at the NHLEF. There is a lot of reading coming up, so I won’t waste anymore of your time with this intro. Here are fans that you will observed during a NHL game.

The dude in front row on his cell phone
This fan is most often seen when one views a NHL game on television, often wearing nothing NHL apparel related, and appears to be at the game be themselves. He already sounds lame, but wait, there’s more; this guy is so darn proud he is in the front row of an exhibition game between the New York Islanders and the Colorado Avalanche that he feels the need to call his buddy from his cell phone and point at the jumbo-tron, to point out the fact that he is barely on TV. This occurs during every NHL game ever recorded. People like this should have their cell phones taken away and have their front row privileges taken away for life, for any sporting event or other type of entertainment.

The 11 year old kid with thunder sticks
During the NHL playoffs various teams for some reason choose to hand out thunder sticks to fans on the way to their seats, instead of handing out the historic white towels which generates an orgasmic sight when all 20,000 towels are being waved. For those who have no idea what a thunder stick is, it is a piece of plastic which is then inflated by the fan to form a stick, and these pieces of inexpensive plastic come in twos. The idea is that when something exciting happens during the game all the fans hit their sticks together and make a loud noise, resembling thunder. FYI there are so many “stick” jokes that I am not even going to go there, just thought I would let you know that I knew of the possible jokes, but decided to pass, a mark of a true comedic mind. Anyway, the idea is indeed lame, but NHL still insists on having them. The only thing more annoying than the thunder sticks in general, is the little kid who will slap them together every 2 minutes, because he is amazed by the sound and the sights of sticks hitting each other. He might be gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that. There, a stick joke. Nevertheless, this annoys every other fan within a 20 foot radius, and the enjoyment level of the game at hand is decreased dramatically. The parents of this child also do nothing to prevent the tremendous amount of annoyance that this kid is putting on the fans; they just watch and pretend that the kid is not theirs.

The woman who thinks every shot is going to go in
Personally, whenever I go to a NHL game, I always get stuck sitting behind this woman. They are usually not very attractive, have no real hockey knowledge, and are purely there because their boyfriend, husband, or partner is an avid hockey fan. Nonetheless, they try to be a fan, wear the jerseys, and are excited at all portions of the game, like a face-off in the neutral zone, a time-out, or the mascot shooting hotdogs at the crowd on the other side of the arena that have no hope of getting to them. The most common over excitement action is the long shots from the blue line, shot at Wade Redden like speed, which has no chance of hitting or going in the net; this woman will jump out of her seat in anticipation and groan once the shot misses or is stopped. This embarrassing action occurs about 76 times a game. However, when there is a goal, this woman is the first to know it’s in, so let’s give her credit for that, I guess.

The no-it-all fan, who actually knows nothing
Nicknamed Pierre McGuire, this fan annoys friends, family, and strangers with his terrible hockey knowledge. He will be constantly critiquing and commenting on the game that is being played. He will say phrases like “Ya, that’s 2 minutes for hooking.” When the play is stopped for an offside. And “That’s why he is one of the top players in the game.” When he is talking about Jason Blake. They are usually the fans of historic teams like the Leafs, Canadians, Bruins, or Wings. Because of their affiliation with these teams, and the teams’ historic and successful history, they feel as fans of these teams that whatever they say is 100% fact, when most of the time, if not all of the time, it is pure gibberish. As a result, these fans should be severely punished and be forced to have dinner with Pierre McGuire and anyone from Rogers Sportsnet Hockey Central panel.

The drunken fan(s)
OK, so this is like 90% of the stadium, but some fans act more drunk than other fans, so let’s focus on those for this segment. These fans are usually between the ages of 20-28 years of age. Still have their whole lives ahead of them, which makes it perfect for them to ruin their livers now. They usually come in groups of 6-10 people, most often cheering for the same team, in most cases, the away team, so that they are even more irritating. They often sit in the nose bleed section of the arena, because they have next to no money, but more than enough money for beer. They will sing O’ Canada at the top of their lungs and show off their Molson Canadian. These fans create a great disturbance for the ushers of the arena. Because of their rambunctious actions, the ushers (usually 70-85 years old or female) tries to get them to stop acting like Sean Avery when he is ticked. However, they efforts are pointless, and the group continues their disruptive ways. When the game is over and their team has lost, they are often seen running and yelling in the parking lot. This is followed by massive amounts of puking and passing out. The next morning they are clueless to as to why they are in the parking lot of Scotiabank Place.

The hot girl
No one knows them, they are not famous, but they could be because they are extremely attractive, and out of all of our leagues. Some are found directly behind the bench beside a guy twice their age, but obviously loaded, because these hottties are gold-digger’s. And when there is a shot of the coach, the cameraman will try his hardest to fit both the coach and the hot girl in the picture, which is deeply appreciated by lonely men everywhere, because no one actually wants to look at Vancouver Canucks coach, Alain Vigneault. Other hot girls are harder to find due to them being scattered around the arena. When at the game and one of these girls pops up on the jumbo-tron, men all over the area whistle, holler, and yell “take it off” in reference to the pretty lady at hand. When watching on TV at home, and the same girl pops on the screen, the guys will go silent for the entire time she in on screen, then someone will say “she’s cute” in a less enthusiastic way than the fans at games, but both groups of men really appreciate a shot of a hot girl once in awhile after watching unshaven, bloody, sweaty, greasy men skate up and down a sheet of ice.

Fan who pounds on the glass
Here we have another annoying front row viewer, but instead of trying to get their friends attention on TV, this guy tries to get the players attention by pounding the glass as hard as they possibly can. You can spot this numskull every time there is a scrum along the boards, and the cameraman zooms on the intense battle for the puck. While battling for the puck, players like Ryan Shannon, Andrew Peters, and Adam Foote have to put up with some fan pounding on the glass trying to disrupt them and annoy the players. He ends up making a fool of himself rather than the players, because not only is the action incredibly lame, but his beer will fall off the ledge due to the constant pounding. This thorough beating of the glass has been done about 3,597,063 times and the players are never affected by it, so give it up. Paying $650 for a front row seat does not give you the right to pound on the glass like a mental patient.

The flavour of the month fan
This fan can be viewed either in person or on television. You can detect this fan when they are wearing a jersey of a player who has just been inserted into the line-up or who has just hit a hot streak. Recently, Simon Varlamov has been this player who Capitals fans are loving right now, which shouldn’t be a big deal because almost any goalie is better than Jose Theodore. However, it is absurd to me that a fan would spend upwards to $250 for a player’s jersey who may or may not be around for next season. You would think if you’re going to venture in buying a Capitals jersey, you would just go with Alex Ovechkin, because he will be good for the next 50 years, so it’s a safe investment. Trust me, I have been the victim of this horrible decision, and regret it every day, even though Patrick Lalime had a few decent seasons, his stock hit rock bottom quickly, and so did the stock of his personalized jerseys. Soon, Simon Varlamov will be in the same boat, and Capitals fans everywhere will be hanging their terrible investment at the back of their closet, only to never be seen again.

The fans who want to be on CBC or TSN
These kinds of fans are most often seen on television because of their use acrostics and their desperation to be on the historic medium that is television. These geniuses will make an acrostic that goes something like “Can’t Beat Cherry” or “Clutterbuck Bucks Chuck” for the CBC network, or “The Senators Network” or “Thornton Sucks Nuts” for the TSN network. I am sure the first few were seen as original, clever, and seen as a way of cheap advertising, but now they are irritating, generic, but nevertheless, a way of cheap advertising. However, this is a better and more acceptable strategy to get on television than the guy in the front row on his cell phone pointing at the jumbo-tron. What a tool.

The awkward Kiss-Cam fans
Almost every NHL arena has this feature during a game during one of the TV time-outs. Why the NHL wants to place romance in a game that is far from a love story, is beyond me, buts it’s there, and creates a laugh and sometimes an “aww” moment. Most of the time the guy and gal smooch without a hitch and everything goes according to plan. However, sometimes the cameraman picks the wrong couple to put up on the jumbo-tron. There are two awkward couples: first is the couple that isn’t actually a couple, but are merely sitting next to each other. They look at the big screen in astonishment, because they don’t know each other at all. In most cases when this happens, the girl is way out of the guys’ league, so the cameraman should know better. The second couple is the couple on their first date. This couple is actually a couple, but haven’t been for more than three hours, and usually it’s pretty tough to sneak in a first within those first three hours, especially when the guy takes a girl to hockey game for a first date, and they are being watched by 20, 000 strangers. Therefore, when they are put up on that jumbo-tron it’s yet another awkward moment. The girl usually looks in embarrassment and hides her face, but the guy laughs, points, and tells the date that they are on the big-screen. Seconds go by, which seem like hours for the fans observing and for the couple. Finally, after about 20-30 seconds of listening to “KISS!!!” the girl gives in and plants one on the guy, and everyone cheers, and the guy is super proud. They girl will continue to hide her face for the rest of the game, because she feels like a slut, which she may in fact be.

The fat guy
These fans are relevant to almost every sport, but let’s discuss them in a comical manner anyway. They wear tight sweat pants, Velcro shoes, have about eight bags of popcorn, and wear undersized t-shirts of bands that no one knows. They usually come to the games alone, because their car can only fit themselves. Whenever they are trying to find their seats, average sized fans look in horror and pray that this human cafeteria is not going to sit beside them. However, it will be ok, because this guy knows one seat will not due for him, and bought three tickets. One for his humongous ass, one for his left leg, and one for his right leg. Even with these three seats it’s a tough squeeze, but he makes it work, and watches the game like an everyday citizen. Way to go fat man!

So that’s it. I hope none of you fit into any of these categories, except if you fit into the hot girl category, then in that case, can you please go to more games so we don’t have to watch these other fans that we dislike to a great degree and we can sit back and witness your incredible good looks during breaks in games. NHLEF OUT.

Coaches Who Need a Good Suspending

Among such recent news highlights in the NHL such as ‘Zednik signs with KHL and somebody cares’ and ‘Brouce Boudreau looks like a penguin’, you may have noticed New York Rangers coach John Tortorella was suspended by the NHL for one game. While no longer on the TSN panel, Torts apparently still loves a good verbal confrontation. During Game 5 of the Rangers-Capitals series he got into a shouting match and then squirted water at a drunken, happy-that-the-Caps-were-winning fan, who then proceed to pour beer on what we can only assume was Tortorella’s lucky and favourite suit. This caused Torts to go a little spare, threatening to beat the fan with a stick through the glass (Aaron Voros’ stick, most notably). I guess he thought he was magical, but at least he knew a stick was a better weapon then whatever crap beer they were serving at the arena. This confrontation was followed by a huge black security guard attempting to try and block the fan from Tortorella’s view, but just resulted in making a funny situation even funnier. Those are the facts. Up until this point, we at the NHLEF thought it was downright impossible for a coach to get suspended, but now we know better. So, safe in our knowledge that coaches can and will get the boot, we felt it was necessary to post our picks for other coaches that should be suspended at least one game during the course of a season/playoff.

Mike Babcock, Detroit Red Wings – Everyone knows the Wings won the Cup last year, finished second in the west, have balanced scoring, tough defence and a goalie (he’s nothing special, but Osgood does fill the net quite nicely) blah, blah, blah. No one likes a repeat champion, least of all the NHL, who is on a huge parity kick. Basically it boils down to the fact that the Red Wings are just way too good, and, while suspending Datsyuk would help, to actually cripple Detroit’s ability to play hockey you would have to suspend Zetterberg, Hossa, Franzen, Lidstrom, Cleary and Holmstrom as well. So, we think giving Mike Babcock a seat in the press box for a game would be a great idea by the league in an attempt to insure parity. By no means a sure thing, but without Babcock, it is possible teams as pathetic as the Blue Jackets might stand a chance.

Alain Vigneault, Vancouver Canucks – Managed to surprise the league by rallying for 3rd in the Western Conference at the end of the season and then proceeded to wipe the arena floor with the hapless, young and decidedly-un-playoff calibre Blues. However, for all their late season success, there is only one reason – Roberto Luongo. Trust me – as someone who picked up both Jason LaBarbera and that other random dude the Canucks called up - in my Yahoo! Fantasy Pool, Luongo was pretty much the only guy keeping pucks out of the net. Not only that, but Vigneault has made Bobby Captain as well! If things keep going the way they are against the Hawks, ole Lu is going to have to join the top line and score goals with the Sedins as well. Basically what we’re getting at here is that Alain Vigneault needs to get suspended for relying on Roberto Luongo way too often/much/excessively ridiculous amount.

Claude Julien, Boston Bruins – The Bruins have been a premiere team all year, on the backs of such legitimate stars as Phil Kessel, Zdeno Chara and the incredibly quiet Marc Savard. While all these real-deal players are fine, what Claude Julien has done with Michael Ryder and Tim Thomas is inexcusable. At the end of last season, Mike Ryder was on the last legs of his NHL career, and rightly so. With the amount of time Ryder spent in the press box, he was better at serving drinks than potting goals. Enter Claude, who gave no-good, hustle-less, Alexei Kovalev-wannabe Michael Ryder another chance. With 27 goals and 26 assists for 53 points as well as an unreal +28 rating for the perennial defensively challenged Ryder, Julien turned not-worth-a-bag-of-pucks-Ryder into a semi-useful NHL player. And on top of that injustice, Ryder has turned in a team leading 5 goals and 9 points this post-season. Unfortunately for hockey fans, Ryder was not the only random success story to emerge under Julien. As has been mentioned in our comments, Tim Thomas failed to crack an NHL line-up until he was 31 years old. Brilliant Julien decided his unorthodox style (read: politically correct way of saying shit-ass-ugly, swine-flu infested, Dominic Hasek(and not the good Hasek)-like) was able to carry the Bruins hopes. No one hates a good comeback story more than the NHLEF, and two on one team, especially a team as despicable as the Bruins, is hard to accept. Ryder and Thomas sucked, and NHL fans accepted that fact. Claude Julien effed that up big time. So, while we’d like to suspend him indefinitely, or, to be more accurate, suspend him 6 feet underground in a wooden box, we’ll hope the league gives him one game.

Brent Sutter, New Jersey Devils – Ahhh, the New Jersey Devils. Despite having a 40-goal scorer in Zack Parise and probably the best goalie in the history of hockey in Brodeur, the Devils are known for one thing only. Being the most boring, trap-oriented team in the NHL. Honestly, sitting down to watch a Devils game is like watching porn without the sex. You’re pretty sure that at some point something exciting is supposed to happen, but you have to suffer through the entire thing only to discover no one ever takes their clothes off. The man who is responsible for all this suffering is none other than Brent Sutter, and therefore should be suspended a game for rendering the NHL un-visually stimulating. If I wanted to watch something boring, I’d go watch Antiques Roadshow.

Scott Gordon, New York Islanders – First of all, everyone who actually knew the Isles coach was Scott Gordon should stop reading, because you’re either way to nerdy for this blog, or you like the Islanders, both of which are unacceptable. For those of you still reading, you’re thinking ‘they just blasted Sutter, Julien and Babcock, 3 of the most successful NHL coaches this season. Now they’re going after this guy, who coaches the worst team in the league? How is that fair?’ Well, thanks for the inspired internal dialogue, but really, we’re doing Mr. Gordon a favour. It’s not his fault Charlie Wang bought the team. Or that Garth Snow is the GM, and has had about as much success drafting as Alexander Daigle had at playing hockey. Or that the Islanders have been losing $25 million dollars a year for the last 5 years. Nope, Mr. Gordon is not on the hook for any of those things. In fact, we think he should be commended for not resigning as head coach of the Islanders, because if the NHLEF was handed that many no-names on a roster, we would build a swimming pool in the arena and switch to water polo. Scott Gordon should be suspended because a man can only lose so much. He just needs a night off!

There you go, Mr. Bettman, no need to do any of your own research or leg work, just read our blog and pass some judgement. Trust us. Always sexy, but never in your face, the NHLEF is here for you. We aren't flashy, especially not in the get-arrested way, but we bring you the NHL news, one bit at a time. NHLEF OUT.