NHL Fans

There are many different types of fans at NHL games, enthusiastic fans, laid back fans, green fans, and Mexican fans. Just like other sports, hockey has many distinctive fans that are worth writing and reading about, or at least we think so here at the NHLEF. There is a lot of reading coming up, so I won’t waste anymore of your time with this intro. Here are fans that you will observed during a NHL game.

The dude in front row on his cell phone
This fan is most often seen when one views a NHL game on television, often wearing nothing NHL apparel related, and appears to be at the game be themselves. He already sounds lame, but wait, there’s more; this guy is so darn proud he is in the front row of an exhibition game between the New York Islanders and the Colorado Avalanche that he feels the need to call his buddy from his cell phone and point at the jumbo-tron, to point out the fact that he is barely on TV. This occurs during every NHL game ever recorded. People like this should have their cell phones taken away and have their front row privileges taken away for life, for any sporting event or other type of entertainment.

The 11 year old kid with thunder sticks
During the NHL playoffs various teams for some reason choose to hand out thunder sticks to fans on the way to their seats, instead of handing out the historic white towels which generates an orgasmic sight when all 20,000 towels are being waved. For those who have no idea what a thunder stick is, it is a piece of plastic which is then inflated by the fan to form a stick, and these pieces of inexpensive plastic come in twos. The idea is that when something exciting happens during the game all the fans hit their sticks together and make a loud noise, resembling thunder. FYI there are so many “stick” jokes that I am not even going to go there, just thought I would let you know that I knew of the possible jokes, but decided to pass, a mark of a true comedic mind. Anyway, the idea is indeed lame, but NHL still insists on having them. The only thing more annoying than the thunder sticks in general, is the little kid who will slap them together every 2 minutes, because he is amazed by the sound and the sights of sticks hitting each other. He might be gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that. There, a stick joke. Nevertheless, this annoys every other fan within a 20 foot radius, and the enjoyment level of the game at hand is decreased dramatically. The parents of this child also do nothing to prevent the tremendous amount of annoyance that this kid is putting on the fans; they just watch and pretend that the kid is not theirs.

The woman who thinks every shot is going to go in
Personally, whenever I go to a NHL game, I always get stuck sitting behind this woman. They are usually not very attractive, have no real hockey knowledge, and are purely there because their boyfriend, husband, or partner is an avid hockey fan. Nonetheless, they try to be a fan, wear the jerseys, and are excited at all portions of the game, like a face-off in the neutral zone, a time-out, or the mascot shooting hotdogs at the crowd on the other side of the arena that have no hope of getting to them. The most common over excitement action is the long shots from the blue line, shot at Wade Redden like speed, which has no chance of hitting or going in the net; this woman will jump out of her seat in anticipation and groan once the shot misses or is stopped. This embarrassing action occurs about 76 times a game. However, when there is a goal, this woman is the first to know it’s in, so let’s give her credit for that, I guess.

The no-it-all fan, who actually knows nothing
Nicknamed Pierre McGuire, this fan annoys friends, family, and strangers with his terrible hockey knowledge. He will be constantly critiquing and commenting on the game that is being played. He will say phrases like “Ya, that’s 2 minutes for hooking.” When the play is stopped for an offside. And “That’s why he is one of the top players in the game.” When he is talking about Jason Blake. They are usually the fans of historic teams like the Leafs, Canadians, Bruins, or Wings. Because of their affiliation with these teams, and the teams’ historic and successful history, they feel as fans of these teams that whatever they say is 100% fact, when most of the time, if not all of the time, it is pure gibberish. As a result, these fans should be severely punished and be forced to have dinner with Pierre McGuire and anyone from Rogers Sportsnet Hockey Central panel.

The drunken fan(s)
OK, so this is like 90% of the stadium, but some fans act more drunk than other fans, so let’s focus on those for this segment. These fans are usually between the ages of 20-28 years of age. Still have their whole lives ahead of them, which makes it perfect for them to ruin their livers now. They usually come in groups of 6-10 people, most often cheering for the same team, in most cases, the away team, so that they are even more irritating. They often sit in the nose bleed section of the arena, because they have next to no money, but more than enough money for beer. They will sing O’ Canada at the top of their lungs and show off their Molson Canadian. These fans create a great disturbance for the ushers of the arena. Because of their rambunctious actions, the ushers (usually 70-85 years old or female) tries to get them to stop acting like Sean Avery when he is ticked. However, they efforts are pointless, and the group continues their disruptive ways. When the game is over and their team has lost, they are often seen running and yelling in the parking lot. This is followed by massive amounts of puking and passing out. The next morning they are clueless to as to why they are in the parking lot of Scotiabank Place.

The hot girl
No one knows them, they are not famous, but they could be because they are extremely attractive, and out of all of our leagues. Some are found directly behind the bench beside a guy twice their age, but obviously loaded, because these hottties are gold-digger’s. And when there is a shot of the coach, the cameraman will try his hardest to fit both the coach and the hot girl in the picture, which is deeply appreciated by lonely men everywhere, because no one actually wants to look at Vancouver Canucks coach, Alain Vigneault. Other hot girls are harder to find due to them being scattered around the arena. When at the game and one of these girls pops up on the jumbo-tron, men all over the area whistle, holler, and yell “take it off” in reference to the pretty lady at hand. When watching on TV at home, and the same girl pops on the screen, the guys will go silent for the entire time she in on screen, then someone will say “she’s cute” in a less enthusiastic way than the fans at games, but both groups of men really appreciate a shot of a hot girl once in awhile after watching unshaven, bloody, sweaty, greasy men skate up and down a sheet of ice.

Fan who pounds on the glass
Here we have another annoying front row viewer, but instead of trying to get their friends attention on TV, this guy tries to get the players attention by pounding the glass as hard as they possibly can. You can spot this numskull every time there is a scrum along the boards, and the cameraman zooms on the intense battle for the puck. While battling for the puck, players like Ryan Shannon, Andrew Peters, and Adam Foote have to put up with some fan pounding on the glass trying to disrupt them and annoy the players. He ends up making a fool of himself rather than the players, because not only is the action incredibly lame, but his beer will fall off the ledge due to the constant pounding. This thorough beating of the glass has been done about 3,597,063 times and the players are never affected by it, so give it up. Paying $650 for a front row seat does not give you the right to pound on the glass like a mental patient.

The flavour of the month fan
This fan can be viewed either in person or on television. You can detect this fan when they are wearing a jersey of a player who has just been inserted into the line-up or who has just hit a hot streak. Recently, Simon Varlamov has been this player who Capitals fans are loving right now, which shouldn’t be a big deal because almost any goalie is better than Jose Theodore. However, it is absurd to me that a fan would spend upwards to $250 for a player’s jersey who may or may not be around for next season. You would think if you’re going to venture in buying a Capitals jersey, you would just go with Alex Ovechkin, because he will be good for the next 50 years, so it’s a safe investment. Trust me, I have been the victim of this horrible decision, and regret it every day, even though Patrick Lalime had a few decent seasons, his stock hit rock bottom quickly, and so did the stock of his personalized jerseys. Soon, Simon Varlamov will be in the same boat, and Capitals fans everywhere will be hanging their terrible investment at the back of their closet, only to never be seen again.

The fans who want to be on CBC or TSN
These kinds of fans are most often seen on television because of their use acrostics and their desperation to be on the historic medium that is television. These geniuses will make an acrostic that goes something like “Can’t Beat Cherry” or “Clutterbuck Bucks Chuck” for the CBC network, or “The Senators Network” or “Thornton Sucks Nuts” for the TSN network. I am sure the first few were seen as original, clever, and seen as a way of cheap advertising, but now they are irritating, generic, but nevertheless, a way of cheap advertising. However, this is a better and more acceptable strategy to get on television than the guy in the front row on his cell phone pointing at the jumbo-tron. What a tool.

The awkward Kiss-Cam fans
Almost every NHL arena has this feature during a game during one of the TV time-outs. Why the NHL wants to place romance in a game that is far from a love story, is beyond me, buts it’s there, and creates a laugh and sometimes an “aww” moment. Most of the time the guy and gal smooch without a hitch and everything goes according to plan. However, sometimes the cameraman picks the wrong couple to put up on the jumbo-tron. There are two awkward couples: first is the couple that isn’t actually a couple, but are merely sitting next to each other. They look at the big screen in astonishment, because they don’t know each other at all. In most cases when this happens, the girl is way out of the guys’ league, so the cameraman should know better. The second couple is the couple on their first date. This couple is actually a couple, but haven’t been for more than three hours, and usually it’s pretty tough to sneak in a first within those first three hours, especially when the guy takes a girl to hockey game for a first date, and they are being watched by 20, 000 strangers. Therefore, when they are put up on that jumbo-tron it’s yet another awkward moment. The girl usually looks in embarrassment and hides her face, but the guy laughs, points, and tells the date that they are on the big-screen. Seconds go by, which seem like hours for the fans observing and for the couple. Finally, after about 20-30 seconds of listening to “KISS!!!” the girl gives in and plants one on the guy, and everyone cheers, and the guy is super proud. They girl will continue to hide her face for the rest of the game, because she feels like a slut, which she may in fact be.

The fat guy
These fans are relevant to almost every sport, but let’s discuss them in a comical manner anyway. They wear tight sweat pants, Velcro shoes, have about eight bags of popcorn, and wear undersized t-shirts of bands that no one knows. They usually come to the games alone, because their car can only fit themselves. Whenever they are trying to find their seats, average sized fans look in horror and pray that this human cafeteria is not going to sit beside them. However, it will be ok, because this guy knows one seat will not due for him, and bought three tickets. One for his humongous ass, one for his left leg, and one for his right leg. Even with these three seats it’s a tough squeeze, but he makes it work, and watches the game like an everyday citizen. Way to go fat man!

So that’s it. I hope none of you fit into any of these categories, except if you fit into the hot girl category, then in that case, can you please go to more games so we don’t have to watch these other fans that we dislike to a great degree and we can sit back and witness your incredible good looks during breaks in games. NHLEF OUT.