The members of NHLEF were viewing the Washington Capitals even up the series against the New York Rangers on NBC. Apparently, TSN was too cheap to do the game themselves, but Pierre McGuire was still able to make an appearance and annoy the hell of the NHLEF staff. But let’s get Pierre off our minds and focus on the task at hand. NBC has a “Star-Cam” feature, which had a camera on perennial All-Star Alexander Ovechkin at all times. As NBC was showing off this feature and expressing how cool it was, the NHLEF immediately made fun of it and agreed that it should be the topic of our new blog post. The Star-Cam is for great players like Ovechkin, who deserve to have the general public watch them at all times during a game, on the bench, on the ice, in the bathroom, fans are just that curious. However, with the amount of average and below average players in the league there are numerous players that should not be featured in this Americanized gimmick. So here are just a few of our picks for NHL players who should NOT be featured on NBC’s Star-Cam:
Rod Brind'amour- One of the grittiest, hardest working, ugliest players to play the game of hockey. As a dude, I don’t judge male beauty often, but Rod is an exception. His nose has been broken at least 92 times and counting. If he were to be on camera for a full game length viewers would be turning off their television sets in droves and looking for the nearest toilet to vomit in.
Dion Phanuef- Elisha Cuthbert should be.
George Parros- This goes for all goons in general really. He only plays a total of 4 minutes in a 60 minute game, so if he were the Star-Cam, there would be massive observing of sitting on the bench and in the penalty box. Sure we all love Parros’s wicked moustache, but do we need to see him trim that bad boy and try to get blood, ice, and spit out of it? No, we don’t. But I am sure it’s task and a half.
Brian Lee- Who honestly cares what this terrible excuse for a puck-moving defenseman is doing? No one, that’s who.
Mike Fisher- Carrie Underwood should be.
Jarko Ruutu- Not really a goon, but an agitator, this Ottawa Senators forward should stay away from the cameras at all costs. No one wants to see him yell obscenities to the opposition for a full game, even when he is in the penalty box. He also has a tendency to eat his jersey, water bottle, and Andrew Peters right hand, so a lot of the time him on camera would just create an awkward for him and the viewer, until that viewer got hungry and chewed at their friends arm.
Kevyn Adams- This 4th line wonder has served time with the Leafs, Blue Jackets, Panthers, Hurricanes, Coyotes, and most recently the Black Hawks. Now most 4th liners are not worthy of the Star-Cam, but this guy should never have a camera on him at all. This is because of the fact that he is cross-eyed. Now it’s not the NHLEF’s goal to make fun of physical disabilities, however, when he is on camera, the viewer inevitably says “What the hell is wrong with this guys eyes?” Trust me; my father said this during an Adams interview on Hockey Night in Canada. As a result, to avoid this politically incorrect question, he should not be seen on camera, ever.
Jerret Stoll- Rachel Hunter should be.
Pavel Datsyuk- Sure he has sick skills, but have you ever heard him talk? No. Therefore he would be incredibly boring to watch sitting on the bench when he isn’t putting a show on the ice. He can’t speak English, so mingling with teammates and hot female fans is out of the question. He also can’t yell at the referees which is funny most of the time. This goes for other Russians, Fins, and Slovaks who can’t speak English. Malkin anyone?
Any Player on the Toronto Maple Leafs- There is not one player that is worth the time and effort of a cameraman to film them for an entire game, since they are all brutal, not entertaining, and repulsive to the human eye. Brain Burke is the only Leaf who would be considered to go on the Star-Cam for the team.
Mike Comrie- Hilary Duff should be.
There you have it, an excuse to briefly discuss some of the attractive female stars some NHLers are currently escorting on dates and the NHLEF’s picks for NHL players who should NOT be featured on NBC’s Star-Cam. We probably missed about 378 players, so feel free to comment and tell us who else should stay away from a camera that is attempting to only film them. Or maybe we can just get rid of this feature? Here me NBC?...........No answered, so I guess it’s here to stay, at least for the 2009 playoffs. NHLEF OUT
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The Cool Names of the NHL
One of the coolest things about the NHL is the variety of names which you get to see. I know what you're saying, clever reader - "But NHLEF, the NHL is full of white guys from small towns across Canada! How are Anglo-Saxon families exciting??"
It is this obscurity which seems to breed creativity. (Craig Adams for the Pittsburgh Penguins - bad naming example, but born in Seria, Brunei Darussalem) The NHL has a collection of ridiculous things which people thought were great to name their children. Many storied examples exist from Darious Kaspiritus, to Hakon Loob and Mats Sundin. Here at the NHLEF we have compiled a list of some of the best names in the NHL, and why they are the best. Of course, we are bound to have missed a few, so chip in when needed.
Dustin Byfuglien - How the heck to you pronounce this guys name? Bff-ewww-gly-en? Buff-lin? Buf-ugly-in? I would like to say it doesn't matter, but he's good enough at hockey that you occasionally have to talk about him.
Matthew Smaby - This guy's jersey just screams lame jokes. The number of announcers I've heard saying "Smaby goes into the corner, do you think he's going to get the puck? Smaby! Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh. Pierre McGuire is a chief culprit here.
Paul Szczechura - Same team as Smaby, same problem as Dustin. No idea how to pronounce this one. It sounds like a spicy Asian noodle sauce, not the name of a pro hockey player. Other guys would love to chirp him, but seeing as most hockey players can't even spell his last name, he's doing well.
Alexander Semin - Do I really need to explain it? This is a family website so I won't, but you know what I'm getting at. He knows how to use is hockey stick is all I'm saying.
Byron Bitz - Easily the coolest name in hockey right now. Sets him up for so many wicked nicknames - Bitz and Bites, Kibbles and Bitz, NHL Bitz 2009 etc. While he is a 4th line grinder-type, that doesn't mean we can't recognize him as having a name that every kid in midget hockey wants, if not his skills.
Daniel Tjarnqvist - While on the surface it seems benign, this one is all in the pronunciation. With the right Swedish ring, it comes out sounding 'Sharkfist' which is by far the most bad ass thing to have written on your jersey. EVER.
Marc-Edouard Vlasic - Pickles himself - Get it? Like the pickles you can buy? Pickles? So cool.
Those were the real winners off the NHL roster, based on name only. I obviously could have gone after Brian Lee, because his name represents the worst excuse for an offensive defenseman in the league. Or Alex Kovalev because his name represents a life-time effort of lack of back-checking, circling around the offensive blueline while on the penalty kill and overall douche-baggerey, but that would be digressing.
This is the NHLEF list, and we're sticking to it. NHLEF OUT.
It is this obscurity which seems to breed creativity. (Craig Adams for the Pittsburgh Penguins - bad naming example, but born in Seria, Brunei Darussalem) The NHL has a collection of ridiculous things which people thought were great to name their children. Many storied examples exist from Darious Kaspiritus, to Hakon Loob and Mats Sundin. Here at the NHLEF we have compiled a list of some of the best names in the NHL, and why they are the best. Of course, we are bound to have missed a few, so chip in when needed.
Dustin Byfuglien - How the heck to you pronounce this guys name? Bff-ewww-gly-en? Buff-lin? Buf-ugly-in? I would like to say it doesn't matter, but he's good enough at hockey that you occasionally have to talk about him.
Matthew Smaby - This guy's jersey just screams lame jokes. The number of announcers I've heard saying "Smaby goes into the corner, do you think he's going to get the puck? Smaby! Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh. Pierre McGuire is a chief culprit here.
Paul Szczechura - Same team as Smaby, same problem as Dustin. No idea how to pronounce this one. It sounds like a spicy Asian noodle sauce, not the name of a pro hockey player. Other guys would love to chirp him, but seeing as most hockey players can't even spell his last name, he's doing well.
Alexander Semin - Do I really need to explain it? This is a family website so I won't, but you know what I'm getting at. He knows how to use is hockey stick is all I'm saying.
Byron Bitz - Easily the coolest name in hockey right now. Sets him up for so many wicked nicknames - Bitz and Bites, Kibbles and Bitz, NHL Bitz 2009 etc. While he is a 4th line grinder-type, that doesn't mean we can't recognize him as having a name that every kid in midget hockey wants, if not his skills.
Daniel Tjarnqvist - While on the surface it seems benign, this one is all in the pronunciation. With the right Swedish ring, it comes out sounding 'Sharkfist' which is by far the most bad ass thing to have written on your jersey. EVER.
Marc-Edouard Vlasic - Pickles himself - Get it? Like the pickles you can buy? Pickles? So cool.
Those were the real winners off the NHL roster, based on name only. I obviously could have gone after Brian Lee, because his name represents the worst excuse for an offensive defenseman in the league. Or Alex Kovalev because his name represents a life-time effort of lack of back-checking, circling around the offensive blueline while on the penalty kill and overall douche-baggerey, but that would be digressing.
This is the NHLEF list, and we're sticking to it. NHLEF OUT.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
NHL Player's That You Would Like To Start A Business With
Every person in civilization has a wide variety of interests and hobbies, and NHLers are no different. They have other passions and desires other than playing hockey and trying (and mostly failing) to win the Stanley Cup. With hockey players’ great amount of disposable income, it makes sense that people would want to team up with a NHL star to start a new business. With this said, here is the NHL-EF’s picks for the NHL’s most desirable business partners.
Zdeno Chara: Big and Tall Shoppe
This Slovak is a giant at 6’9 and weighing in at 255 pounds. When he is on the ice, there is no missing him. He might as well count as a 7th defenseman on a roster. Needless to say, finding clothes for him is a daunting task. That is why he would be the perfect asset to develop a revolutionary big and tall retail outlet. Here suits, athletic outfits, shoes, and extra, extra, extra large condoms would be sold. Even though, finding people as tall as the Big Z are hard to find, looking at giant clothing and colossal condoms are enough to generate a successful business.
Sean Avery: Fashion Line
It has been publicised that Mr. Avery has a high interest in the fashion field, and that is the business that he would be best suited for, since punching people, yelling obscenities, and sitting alone on a bench, has yet to proven as a successful way of life. With Avery’s expertise in fashion and his take no-nonsense attitude, the business would, no doubt, be a success. Also, with his connections to hot looking women, who he referred to as “sloppy seconds,” he also knows what women want and need to wear to look good, because, let’s face it, the fashion industry would not exist if it was not for women and their obsession with clothes.
Mike Fisher: Country Music Production
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, most hockey fans know that Senators energy catalyst, Mike Fisher is dating the pretty ok looking and country music superstar, Carrie Underwood. Both have a passion for country music obviously, even though it’s hard to believe, since country music should not exist. These two would no doubt create a successful country recording studio and production team. To be brutally honest, the only reason I wrote this was to mention Carrie Underwood. It should also be noted that she looks ten times better at hockey games then performing. Just keep the look natural Carrie, call me.
Sidney Crosby: Hockey Equipment Brand
Sid The Kid is possibly the most recognizable face and name in hockey today. He already has his name connected to brands such as Reebok. With his knowledge of the game and hockey equipment, he would most certainly help an average Joe in succeeding in the hockey equipment industry. During games, he would not only wear the equipment, but also wear company logos and slogans on his jersey, helmet, skates, and jock strap, because any advertising is good advertising.
Jason Spezza: Jewellery Distribution
If you watch Ottawa Senators games in the Ottawa area, you will undoubtedly observe a Jubilee Fine Jewellers advertisement which includes Senators (fumbling) star, Jason Spezza. He looks pretty foolish to be honest, with the dramatic turns of the head in slow motion, posing with his hockey stick (not a play on words, it’s actually his hockey stick, you sick bastard), and the awkward displaying of a watch, which may or may not work, with some old chick. Nevertheless, Spezza has a great deal of experience in the jewellery field, which makes him the prime NHLer to team up with if jewellery is your game.
Jeremy Roenick: Acting Agency
Jeremy Roenick is known for his outlandish remarks towards referees and other NHL players. He is not afraid to look foolish in front of others, whether it’s singing ABBA’s Dancing Queen and Enrique Iglesias’s Hero on Off The Record with Michael Lansberg or throwing water bottles at referees while bleeding profusely, JR loves the camera. I think he also guest stared on some crap show who didn’t know who he was, and casted him as a baseball player, but anyway, JR would make a tremendous mind to spot new talent that can star in Hollywood movies or be the next Don Cherry.
Mats Sundin: Hair Restoration Clinic
This Swede is most recognizable as a huge, overweight, bald man, who was somehow decent at hockey a couple of years ago. But he, like many men, has experienced the effects of massive hair loss. With Sundin’s large bank account, he could most certainly purchase a hair restoration clinic, get hair for himself, and then assist other bald, overweight, playoff blowers to regain their long lost manes.
Marian Gaborik: Groin Injury Prevention
This Minnesota (might be a different city come July 1st) sniper only plays about 15 games a season, scores 30 points, and the rest of the season suffers from severe groin injuries. Whether he is trying way too hard during games or engaging in too much sexual activity with women (or men), he’s always receiving groin treatment. Therefore, he would ultimately be a great asset to team up with for the fight against groin injuries. Sure he can put his money into finding a cure for cancer, starving children, or teen mothers, but the only epidemic he has personally faced is the issue of weak groins, and would love to find a cure for it, and once he does, he will be even more rich and so will anyone who teams up with him and his endeavours.
Andrei and Sergei Kostitsyn: Drug Trafficking
Okay, we all know drug trafficking is illegal, but it is extremely profitable if you don’t get caught. This is why so many people engage in this practice in the first place. Also to get high, but that’s for another blog. Andrei and Sergei Kostitsyn are the Montreal Canadians poor attempt to get their own Sedin brothers. Seeing as they aren’t all that great at hockey, they realize that their career in the big leagues will not be long, so they have already dived into the drug trafficking world. They kind of got caught, but got off, so they now know what NOT to do. With this learning curve, the next time they will no doubt, succeed in selling and disturbing banned substances to guys who are mostly living in a shopping cart in front of a corner store in Montreal. In closing, team up with this brother team as soon as possible, if you say yes to drugs.
So there you have it, numerous possible business partners and possible businesses, some more realistic than others. It should be noted that an entire other post could be written on why these men are NOT players you’d want to start a business with, but the NHL-EF only has so much time on their hands, so we will ask you, the seven people who read our blog, to contribute, and state why these men are not worthy business partners and who else would be. NHL-EF OUT.
Zdeno Chara: Big and Tall Shoppe
This Slovak is a giant at 6’9 and weighing in at 255 pounds. When he is on the ice, there is no missing him. He might as well count as a 7th defenseman on a roster. Needless to say, finding clothes for him is a daunting task. That is why he would be the perfect asset to develop a revolutionary big and tall retail outlet. Here suits, athletic outfits, shoes, and extra, extra, extra large condoms would be sold. Even though, finding people as tall as the Big Z are hard to find, looking at giant clothing and colossal condoms are enough to generate a successful business.
Sean Avery: Fashion Line
It has been publicised that Mr. Avery has a high interest in the fashion field, and that is the business that he would be best suited for, since punching people, yelling obscenities, and sitting alone on a bench, has yet to proven as a successful way of life. With Avery’s expertise in fashion and his take no-nonsense attitude, the business would, no doubt, be a success. Also, with his connections to hot looking women, who he referred to as “sloppy seconds,” he also knows what women want and need to wear to look good, because, let’s face it, the fashion industry would not exist if it was not for women and their obsession with clothes.
Mike Fisher: Country Music Production
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, most hockey fans know that Senators energy catalyst, Mike Fisher is dating the pretty ok looking and country music superstar, Carrie Underwood. Both have a passion for country music obviously, even though it’s hard to believe, since country music should not exist. These two would no doubt create a successful country recording studio and production team. To be brutally honest, the only reason I wrote this was to mention Carrie Underwood. It should also be noted that she looks ten times better at hockey games then performing. Just keep the look natural Carrie, call me.
Sidney Crosby: Hockey Equipment Brand
Sid The Kid is possibly the most recognizable face and name in hockey today. He already has his name connected to brands such as Reebok. With his knowledge of the game and hockey equipment, he would most certainly help an average Joe in succeeding in the hockey equipment industry. During games, he would not only wear the equipment, but also wear company logos and slogans on his jersey, helmet, skates, and jock strap, because any advertising is good advertising.
Jason Spezza: Jewellery Distribution
If you watch Ottawa Senators games in the Ottawa area, you will undoubtedly observe a Jubilee Fine Jewellers advertisement which includes Senators (fumbling) star, Jason Spezza. He looks pretty foolish to be honest, with the dramatic turns of the head in slow motion, posing with his hockey stick (not a play on words, it’s actually his hockey stick, you sick bastard), and the awkward displaying of a watch, which may or may not work, with some old chick. Nevertheless, Spezza has a great deal of experience in the jewellery field, which makes him the prime NHLer to team up with if jewellery is your game.
Jeremy Roenick: Acting Agency
Jeremy Roenick is known for his outlandish remarks towards referees and other NHL players. He is not afraid to look foolish in front of others, whether it’s singing ABBA’s Dancing Queen and Enrique Iglesias’s Hero on Off The Record with Michael Lansberg or throwing water bottles at referees while bleeding profusely, JR loves the camera. I think he also guest stared on some crap show who didn’t know who he was, and casted him as a baseball player, but anyway, JR would make a tremendous mind to spot new talent that can star in Hollywood movies or be the next Don Cherry.
Mats Sundin: Hair Restoration Clinic
This Swede is most recognizable as a huge, overweight, bald man, who was somehow decent at hockey a couple of years ago. But he, like many men, has experienced the effects of massive hair loss. With Sundin’s large bank account, he could most certainly purchase a hair restoration clinic, get hair for himself, and then assist other bald, overweight, playoff blowers to regain their long lost manes.
Marian Gaborik: Groin Injury Prevention
This Minnesota (might be a different city come July 1st) sniper only plays about 15 games a season, scores 30 points, and the rest of the season suffers from severe groin injuries. Whether he is trying way too hard during games or engaging in too much sexual activity with women (or men), he’s always receiving groin treatment. Therefore, he would ultimately be a great asset to team up with for the fight against groin injuries. Sure he can put his money into finding a cure for cancer, starving children, or teen mothers, but the only epidemic he has personally faced is the issue of weak groins, and would love to find a cure for it, and once he does, he will be even more rich and so will anyone who teams up with him and his endeavours.
Andrei and Sergei Kostitsyn: Drug Trafficking
Okay, we all know drug trafficking is illegal, but it is extremely profitable if you don’t get caught. This is why so many people engage in this practice in the first place. Also to get high, but that’s for another blog. Andrei and Sergei Kostitsyn are the Montreal Canadians poor attempt to get their own Sedin brothers. Seeing as they aren’t all that great at hockey, they realize that their career in the big leagues will not be long, so they have already dived into the drug trafficking world. They kind of got caught, but got off, so they now know what NOT to do. With this learning curve, the next time they will no doubt, succeed in selling and disturbing banned substances to guys who are mostly living in a shopping cart in front of a corner store in Montreal. In closing, team up with this brother team as soon as possible, if you say yes to drugs.
So there you have it, numerous possible business partners and possible businesses, some more realistic than others. It should be noted that an entire other post could be written on why these men are NOT players you’d want to start a business with, but the NHL-EF only has so much time on their hands, so we will ask you, the seven people who read our blog, to contribute, and state why these men are not worthy business partners and who else would be. NHL-EF OUT.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Potential Owners of the Montreal Canadians
In a surprise story, it has been reported that a group which includes Celine Dion, is interested in making a bid to purchase the storied NHL franchise that is, the Montreal Canadians. In the report, there are other individuals included in the group to place the bid, but let’s be honest; the only name anyone cares about/recognizes/will make fun of, is the French Canadian ballad singer, Celine Dion. Therefore, it makes for the perfect topic of discussion, in terms of pointing out how hilarious it would be that one of the most famous sporting franchises in the world could potentially be owned by a woman who tops the easy listening charts. Here are some potential situations that could arise with Celine Dion calling the shots in Montreal:
- Dion could suit up for the Habs, and be their toughest player.
- In the offseason, various Habs players can pick up a summer job as Dion’s back-up singers/dancers.
- The Canadians new theme song could be My Heart Will Go On.
- There would be numerous and historic Titanic jokes made by the media/fans.
- The Habs could get to go to Las Vegas more than usual.
- Dion could save money by singing the national anthems herself.
- The entire team could act like hysterical teen girls sighting the Jonas Brothers, when Celine Dion comes down to give them their pay checks.
- The entire team could get discounted equipment and other items thanks to Celine Dion’s husband’s senior discount.
- Celine could also perform during the intermission of games, and then at least there would be some entertainment, since the Montreal Canadians sure can’t provide that for their fans.
With this report, we felt the need to include some of our very own possible buyers for the Canadians, since it seems that just about anybody with a decent bank account can try to buy them from current owner, George Gillett. Who by the way, proved that there is some money to be made in the communication field, which is beneficial for students, who are constantly mocked for attempting to obtain their very own communication degree. But let’s not get off topic; here are our top four picks for companies/individuals who should bid to purchase the Montreal Canadians:
The Queen
Canada is within the Commonwealth realm of Britain. Which really doesn’t mean a whole lot nowadays, but the label is there. Canada is one of the favoured Commonwealth countries, seeing how Britain did not send their prisoners here. For this reason, Canada is close to Britain and Queen Elizabeth’s heart. The point of The Queen for Canada, in short, really short, is to approve the Governor General, who acts as the Queen when she’s not in Canada and who basically does nothing, until the Prime Minister (the nerd) looses control of the House of Commons and tells the Governor General (the mother figure) that the other parties (the bullies) are corrupt (bullying him). With all of this free time that the Queen has after signing her name on a piece of paper, it is only natural that she should want to watch hockey, Canada’s actual national sport, sorry lacrosse fans. It makes perfect sense for Queen Elizabeth II to own an NHL franchise, especially a Canadian NHL franchise. If you have ever seen Buckingham Palace, you come to the conclusion that, if you’re the Queen, you’re loaded, so buying the team would not be difficult. With Queen Elizabeth II at he reins, there are several possible outcomes that would change the Montreal Canadians franchise for the better:
- There would be no more lounging on a bench and drinking water and spitting it on the ice, but instead there would be small tables with tea and biscuits where the players would gather to rest and gear up for the next shift.
- Players would have to get their pay checks exchanged from pounds into US or Canadian dollars on a frequent basis.
- We would get to see Queen Elizabeth II wave, then see friends, family, fans, Pierre McGuire imitate that wave, which is always amusing.
- Since everything in the British Monarch seems to be handed down after one pops off, Habs fans can look forward to Prince Charles overseeing the franchise. And a man, who looks that odd, must play hockey, so he will be extra into it.
- Queen Elizabeth II better days are behind her, so there will be no worry of player/owner relationships or discussions about how hot the owner is, which creates distractions, which is a great possibility if someone like Pamela Anderson took the team over.
- Discount on tea. Tea would replace beer, and provide a more well-mannered and sensible crowd at Canadians games. Because if you behave badly when The Queen is present, you are done.
Wal-Mart
Ever since opening its first Canadian “box-store” in 1994 in Mississauga, Ontario, Wal-Mart has become a retail giant in Canada. They sell their products for less than their competition, therefore driving out small local businesses and supply their employees with less than adequate compensation. Known for selling everything from bathing gowns to tires for automobiles, for better or worse, Wal-Mart is one of the largest retail corporations in Canada. They even have the potential to become a monopoly in the retail world, which from a Wal-Mart perspective, is sweet victory. With all of this said, Wal-Mart has a high level of monetary consumption, and therefore could and should bid to buy the Montreal Canadians. If Disney could own the Anaheim Mighty Ducks a few years ago, Wal-Mart should have no problem sinking their teeth into the Montreal Canadians. If Wal-Mart was to purchase the Montreal Canadians, there are numerous outcomes that would occur:
- The Montreal Canadians would change their jersey to the blue smock that every other Wal-Mart employees is forced to wear.
- While coming to a game, fans could also pick up their groceries, new shoes, new pants, Scrubs: Season 3 on DVD, and engine oil.
- Fans would get greeted at the entrance of the stadium, by an 87 year old man/woman in a blue smock.
- Fans upon exiting the stadium, would get harassed by that same 87 year old man/woman and be accused of shoplifting.
- Shopping carts would be running amuck all over the stadium and the parking lot.
- There would be a McDonald’s in the stadium, whose food is subpar in comparison to an actual McDonald’s.
- Teenagers would constantly be hanging out around the stadium and causing havoc to store employees.
- Popcorn, soda, beer vendors would either be very old, very young, or Mexican.
- Players would experience a tremendous pay decrease.
Barack Obama
Since displacing the most reviled president since Richard Nixon, Brack Obama has become a huge international figure. The newest President of the United States, Obama is not only wealthy and extremely-well known, but is also a huge sports fan. More of basketball, but with Georges Laraque on the Canadians, rumour has it Barack has his eye on the storied franchise. Obama’s purchase of the Canadians could achieve two of his most difficult objectives. So long as he agreed to keep the team in Canada, his international image would improve massively. The Canadians are also immensely profitable, so he could use revenue from the franchise to prop up Wall Street, the American automakers, pay down the debt, finance the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, on terror and drugs, and pay for that massively armoured limousine he cruises around in. And for the Montreal Canadians, there would be changes as well:
- The number of white supremacist fans at Habs games would immediately decrease.
- The arena would sell beer that was 4% without labelling it as ‘Light.’
- All players would have to travel with bodyguards to deal with the quadrupled terrorist threat.
- Barack would trade for Chara, because he’s the only guy in the league who looks like he could throw down a good dunk.
- He would trade for Rick Nash, because he is pretty sure that because he’s Canadian, he is related to Steve and can jack up some 3’s.
- If any more of the Habs run into gambling debt problems, Barack can whip up a ‘stimulus’ package for them.
- Learning French would no longer be such an issue for Canadians players, because Barack’s English is just fine.
- P.K. Subban would make the team next year, trust me.
Cody Burgess
Resident of Almonte, Ontario and rapid Canadians fan, Burgess is here to represent all Montreal Canadians fans. Enthusiastic and supportive to the point of blindness, he follows the Canadians religiously and is pretty sure that he can do a better job of ownership. Well, he does have a full time job, and has saved up his pennies, so here’s the chance to show what you can do. What kind of impact can we see from Burgess? Here are a few examples:
- Immediate trade for Vincent Lecavalier. This will happen regardless of how many roster players, draft picks, team busses or Bob Gaineys Burgess has to ship to Tampa in return.
- Rum and cokes would be on tap instead of beer at the arena.
- Every time the Canadians played the Capitals, the players would be obligated to run Mike Green every chance they could.
- The Canadians new goal horn would be the Pittsburgh Penguins goal horn.
- The Canadians new theme song would be anything from Finger Eleven, Simple Plan, Britney Spears, or whatever else is being overplayed on Canadian radio stations at the time.
- Fans would have to bring their own potato chips to the games.
- Carey Price would be the Habs net minder for the next 20 years, even if is still as bad as he is today.
Those are what we feel are some viable/comedic options for Canadians franchise. But we can come to the conclusion that anyone can own this franchise, so if you're interested please contact us at the NHL-EF, and we will make fun of you and pass on your proposal to the George Gillett. NHL-EF OUT.
- Dion could suit up for the Habs, and be their toughest player.
- In the offseason, various Habs players can pick up a summer job as Dion’s back-up singers/dancers.
- The Canadians new theme song could be My Heart Will Go On.
- There would be numerous and historic Titanic jokes made by the media/fans.
- The Habs could get to go to Las Vegas more than usual.
- Dion could save money by singing the national anthems herself.
- The entire team could act like hysterical teen girls sighting the Jonas Brothers, when Celine Dion comes down to give them their pay checks.
- The entire team could get discounted equipment and other items thanks to Celine Dion’s husband’s senior discount.
- Celine could also perform during the intermission of games, and then at least there would be some entertainment, since the Montreal Canadians sure can’t provide that for their fans.
With this report, we felt the need to include some of our very own possible buyers for the Canadians, since it seems that just about anybody with a decent bank account can try to buy them from current owner, George Gillett. Who by the way, proved that there is some money to be made in the communication field, which is beneficial for students, who are constantly mocked for attempting to obtain their very own communication degree. But let’s not get off topic; here are our top four picks for companies/individuals who should bid to purchase the Montreal Canadians:
The Queen
Canada is within the Commonwealth realm of Britain. Which really doesn’t mean a whole lot nowadays, but the label is there. Canada is one of the favoured Commonwealth countries, seeing how Britain did not send their prisoners here. For this reason, Canada is close to Britain and Queen Elizabeth’s heart. The point of The Queen for Canada, in short, really short, is to approve the Governor General, who acts as the Queen when she’s not in Canada and who basically does nothing, until the Prime Minister (the nerd) looses control of the House of Commons and tells the Governor General (the mother figure) that the other parties (the bullies) are corrupt (bullying him). With all of this free time that the Queen has after signing her name on a piece of paper, it is only natural that she should want to watch hockey, Canada’s actual national sport, sorry lacrosse fans. It makes perfect sense for Queen Elizabeth II to own an NHL franchise, especially a Canadian NHL franchise. If you have ever seen Buckingham Palace, you come to the conclusion that, if you’re the Queen, you’re loaded, so buying the team would not be difficult. With Queen Elizabeth II at he reins, there are several possible outcomes that would change the Montreal Canadians franchise for the better:
- There would be no more lounging on a bench and drinking water and spitting it on the ice, but instead there would be small tables with tea and biscuits where the players would gather to rest and gear up for the next shift.
- Players would have to get their pay checks exchanged from pounds into US or Canadian dollars on a frequent basis.
- We would get to see Queen Elizabeth II wave, then see friends, family, fans, Pierre McGuire imitate that wave, which is always amusing.
- Since everything in the British Monarch seems to be handed down after one pops off, Habs fans can look forward to Prince Charles overseeing the franchise. And a man, who looks that odd, must play hockey, so he will be extra into it.
- Queen Elizabeth II better days are behind her, so there will be no worry of player/owner relationships or discussions about how hot the owner is, which creates distractions, which is a great possibility if someone like Pamela Anderson took the team over.
- Discount on tea. Tea would replace beer, and provide a more well-mannered and sensible crowd at Canadians games. Because if you behave badly when The Queen is present, you are done.
Wal-Mart
Ever since opening its first Canadian “box-store” in 1994 in Mississauga, Ontario, Wal-Mart has become a retail giant in Canada. They sell their products for less than their competition, therefore driving out small local businesses and supply their employees with less than adequate compensation. Known for selling everything from bathing gowns to tires for automobiles, for better or worse, Wal-Mart is one of the largest retail corporations in Canada. They even have the potential to become a monopoly in the retail world, which from a Wal-Mart perspective, is sweet victory. With all of this said, Wal-Mart has a high level of monetary consumption, and therefore could and should bid to buy the Montreal Canadians. If Disney could own the Anaheim Mighty Ducks a few years ago, Wal-Mart should have no problem sinking their teeth into the Montreal Canadians. If Wal-Mart was to purchase the Montreal Canadians, there are numerous outcomes that would occur:
- The Montreal Canadians would change their jersey to the blue smock that every other Wal-Mart employees is forced to wear.
- While coming to a game, fans could also pick up their groceries, new shoes, new pants, Scrubs: Season 3 on DVD, and engine oil.
- Fans would get greeted at the entrance of the stadium, by an 87 year old man/woman in a blue smock.
- Fans upon exiting the stadium, would get harassed by that same 87 year old man/woman and be accused of shoplifting.
- Shopping carts would be running amuck all over the stadium and the parking lot.
- There would be a McDonald’s in the stadium, whose food is subpar in comparison to an actual McDonald’s.
- Teenagers would constantly be hanging out around the stadium and causing havoc to store employees.
- Popcorn, soda, beer vendors would either be very old, very young, or Mexican.
- Players would experience a tremendous pay decrease.
Barack Obama
Since displacing the most reviled president since Richard Nixon, Brack Obama has become a huge international figure. The newest President of the United States, Obama is not only wealthy and extremely-well known, but is also a huge sports fan. More of basketball, but with Georges Laraque on the Canadians, rumour has it Barack has his eye on the storied franchise. Obama’s purchase of the Canadians could achieve two of his most difficult objectives. So long as he agreed to keep the team in Canada, his international image would improve massively. The Canadians are also immensely profitable, so he could use revenue from the franchise to prop up Wall Street, the American automakers, pay down the debt, finance the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, on terror and drugs, and pay for that massively armoured limousine he cruises around in. And for the Montreal Canadians, there would be changes as well:
- The number of white supremacist fans at Habs games would immediately decrease.
- The arena would sell beer that was 4% without labelling it as ‘Light.’
- All players would have to travel with bodyguards to deal with the quadrupled terrorist threat.
- Barack would trade for Chara, because he’s the only guy in the league who looks like he could throw down a good dunk.
- He would trade for Rick Nash, because he is pretty sure that because he’s Canadian, he is related to Steve and can jack up some 3’s.
- If any more of the Habs run into gambling debt problems, Barack can whip up a ‘stimulus’ package for them.
- Learning French would no longer be such an issue for Canadians players, because Barack’s English is just fine.
- P.K. Subban would make the team next year, trust me.
Cody Burgess
Resident of Almonte, Ontario and rapid Canadians fan, Burgess is here to represent all Montreal Canadians fans. Enthusiastic and supportive to the point of blindness, he follows the Canadians religiously and is pretty sure that he can do a better job of ownership. Well, he does have a full time job, and has saved up his pennies, so here’s the chance to show what you can do. What kind of impact can we see from Burgess? Here are a few examples:
- Immediate trade for Vincent Lecavalier. This will happen regardless of how many roster players, draft picks, team busses or Bob Gaineys Burgess has to ship to Tampa in return.
- Rum and cokes would be on tap instead of beer at the arena.
- Every time the Canadians played the Capitals, the players would be obligated to run Mike Green every chance they could.
- The Canadians new goal horn would be the Pittsburgh Penguins goal horn.
- The Canadians new theme song would be anything from Finger Eleven, Simple Plan, Britney Spears, or whatever else is being overplayed on Canadian radio stations at the time.
- Fans would have to bring their own potato chips to the games.
- Carey Price would be the Habs net minder for the next 20 years, even if is still as bad as he is today.
Those are what we feel are some viable/comedic options for Canadians franchise. But we can come to the conclusion that anyone can own this franchise, so if you're interested please contact us at the NHL-EF, and we will make fun of you and pass on your proposal to the George Gillett. NHL-EF OUT.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Moustache/Beards Predictions
This post will try to predict the mustaches/beards that will appear in the 2009 playoffs. Who will have the best beard that makes him look like Jesus? And who will have the dirty Sanchez that makes even awkward teens shiver in embarrassment? Let’s get it on by naming a few popular NHL players who have qualified for the 2009 NHL Playoffs:
Mox
Sidney Crosby- Will have a very patchy, peach fuzz infested face, if the Penguins make it out of the 1st round. Even though his hockey skills are top notch, his beard growing abilities are near the bottom of the league.
Roberto Luongo- He already has a pretty good beard on him this season, therefore, if the Canucks go deep, birds will be flying into his beard on his way to the rink, like Peter Griffin in Family Guy.
Joe Thornton- This NHL star has yet to really shine in the playoffs, but with all of the optimism for the Sharks this year, he may just get that beard we have all been waiting for. This time around and it will indeed be a full one. Other players will tremble when they meet him in the corners as those sweaty, greasy hairs are rubbing up against their nose.
Scott Neidermyer- The Ducks may not get very far in the playoffs, but it won’t stop this mans facial hair from growing at great speeds. He is pretty old, so the beard will be pretty white, making it awkward when young Bobby Ryan sits on his knee and tells him what he wants for Christmas this year.
Mike Green- Has never been seen with facial hair. This might mean he is one of those players who has a beardless playoffs, which is quite awkward. Even though he is a great defensemen, when watching the anthems and the cameraman is going up the bench, there are 20 guys with a substantial amount of facial hair, and Mike Green will be that guy with none, and the viewer will be like, “What the hell is his problem?! No beard?”
Kieran
Milan Lucic – While he is Canadian-born, Lucic is of Serbian descent, and it is to this hereditary Eastern-European beard-growing ability to which he will turn during the post-season. Lucic has become a rising star in the NHL this season due to his massive hits, key goals, and ability to mug Mike Komisarek from behind after the whistle. Little has been made of his hair-growing capability, but with the Bruins poised to go deep, Milan Lucic, despite his young age, has an opportunity to make an impact on the hockey-playoff-beard stage.
Chris Mason – This isn’t quite fair, as Mason started growing his beard back in February when the Blues began their run. Last to a playoff berth is unreal, and so is Mason’s facial shrubbery. After watching his Blues play the Canucks last night, I noticed that he could barely get his mask on over the bristles. At the rate he’s on right now, the Sedin’s are going to be able to bag tons of goals because. much like Bigfoot, a B.C. native, Mason’s face will be completely covered rendering him unable to see out of his mask at the mercy of the Canuck’s snipers. Luckily for him, the Canucks don’t have any snipers, just a overweight, slow Mats Sundin. Maybe put some burgers behind Mason and Mats will start to drive the net harder.
Alex Kovalev – Pretty old, yet incredibly lame, Kovalev will no doubt disappoint facial hair enthusiasts all over the league. Due to the fact that he’s not really a team player, he hit puberty quite late, and the Canadians are garbage, he won’t get much past the stage where you need a disposal razor.
Ian White – His pointy sideburns, epic ‘stache and long flowing locks will create an absolute MONSTER this post-season. Just kidding, the Leafs didn’t make it. Maybe he can grow one for the World Championships, the Stanley Cup Playoffs for shitty players.
That’s what we see from our vantage point of flipping through TSN and CBC in order to catch all the available NHL playoff action. Stay tuned for more tales from around the League. Better than Satellite Hot Stove or After 40 Minutes and less sullen and bitter than John Tortorella on The Quiz, the NHL-EF is here for you. NHL-EF OUT.
Mox
Sidney Crosby- Will have a very patchy, peach fuzz infested face, if the Penguins make it out of the 1st round. Even though his hockey skills are top notch, his beard growing abilities are near the bottom of the league.
Roberto Luongo- He already has a pretty good beard on him this season, therefore, if the Canucks go deep, birds will be flying into his beard on his way to the rink, like Peter Griffin in Family Guy.
Joe Thornton- This NHL star has yet to really shine in the playoffs, but with all of the optimism for the Sharks this year, he may just get that beard we have all been waiting for. This time around and it will indeed be a full one. Other players will tremble when they meet him in the corners as those sweaty, greasy hairs are rubbing up against their nose.
Scott Neidermyer- The Ducks may not get very far in the playoffs, but it won’t stop this mans facial hair from growing at great speeds. He is pretty old, so the beard will be pretty white, making it awkward when young Bobby Ryan sits on his knee and tells him what he wants for Christmas this year.
Mike Green- Has never been seen with facial hair. This might mean he is one of those players who has a beardless playoffs, which is quite awkward. Even though he is a great defensemen, when watching the anthems and the cameraman is going up the bench, there are 20 guys with a substantial amount of facial hair, and Mike Green will be that guy with none, and the viewer will be like, “What the hell is his problem?! No beard?”
Kieran
Milan Lucic – While he is Canadian-born, Lucic is of Serbian descent, and it is to this hereditary Eastern-European beard-growing ability to which he will turn during the post-season. Lucic has become a rising star in the NHL this season due to his massive hits, key goals, and ability to mug Mike Komisarek from behind after the whistle. Little has been made of his hair-growing capability, but with the Bruins poised to go deep, Milan Lucic, despite his young age, has an opportunity to make an impact on the hockey-playoff-beard stage.
Chris Mason – This isn’t quite fair, as Mason started growing his beard back in February when the Blues began their run. Last to a playoff berth is unreal, and so is Mason’s facial shrubbery. After watching his Blues play the Canucks last night, I noticed that he could barely get his mask on over the bristles. At the rate he’s on right now, the Sedin’s are going to be able to bag tons of goals because. much like Bigfoot, a B.C. native, Mason’s face will be completely covered rendering him unable to see out of his mask at the mercy of the Canuck’s snipers. Luckily for him, the Canucks don’t have any snipers, just a overweight, slow Mats Sundin. Maybe put some burgers behind Mason and Mats will start to drive the net harder.
Alex Kovalev – Pretty old, yet incredibly lame, Kovalev will no doubt disappoint facial hair enthusiasts all over the league. Due to the fact that he’s not really a team player, he hit puberty quite late, and the Canadians are garbage, he won’t get much past the stage where you need a disposal razor.
Ian White – His pointy sideburns, epic ‘stache and long flowing locks will create an absolute MONSTER this post-season. Just kidding, the Leafs didn’t make it. Maybe he can grow one for the World Championships, the Stanley Cup Playoffs for shitty players.
That’s what we see from our vantage point of flipping through TSN and CBC in order to catch all the available NHL playoff action. Stay tuned for more tales from around the League. Better than Satellite Hot Stove or After 40 Minutes and less sullen and bitter than John Tortorella on The Quiz, the NHL-EF is here for you. NHL-EF OUT.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
6 Reasons Why Hockey Fans Hate Pierre McGuire
When watching hockey, fans must put up with, what, for the most part, are annoying hosts and colour commentary men. Bob Cole anyone? Usually we suffer and tune them out, or make fun of their remarks, which include such gems as “He shoots it off the stick!” and “He fires it from 27 feet from the goal!” However, there is one man who manages to take this small annoyance to a whole new level. A Mr. Pierre McGuire, NHL on TSN commentator. So without further adieu, here is a list of why hockey fans hate Pierre McGuire:
- The man lies through his teeth. For example: During a broadcast featuring the Philadelphia Flyers, he said, and I quote, “I was working out with Mike Richards in the summer, and his work ethic is unbelievable.” Yeah, Pierre, you (an overweight, bald, ugly, stocky man) and Mike Richards (an NHL All-star) have similar work out routines. I don’t think Mike Richards works out at Curves, you fruit cup.
- This man will constantly interrupt other broadcasting colleagues with stats and pointless theories that make the viewer at home want to throw their beer, dog, remote, or significant other at the television screen. No one agrees (especially James Duthie) with your thinking that Olie Jokinen is going to light it up in the playoffs because he is playing in the playoffs for the first time. The dope is going to put 0’s across the board this post season.
- He randomly yells at fairly unexciting moments during the game. We all saw the attempted body check by Sidney Crosby, it was pretty pathetic. Get excited when something exciting happens, like Milan Lucic blasting someone through the glass.
- He is the biggest hypocrite in the history of broadcasting. For example: During a broadcast featuring the Ottawa Senators, he goes on and on about Brian Elliot and his poor rebound control. Incredibly annoying as the game goes on. Next, he names Brian Elliot his “monster” of the game. He went from bashing the kid to praising the kid in a matter of minutes. Did you ever talk highschool English
- The fact he stands between the benches during broadcasts. This obviously grinds the player’s gears as much as the fans. He stands there with not a care in the world and says the most outlandish things. “What a horrible decision by Dustin Penner, that’s not how you fore-check in the offensive zone! That’s why the Edmonton Oilers are not making this years playoffs and why Dustin is having a terrible year!” Meanwhile, Dustin Penner is sitting right next to
- The general sound and tone of his voice is unbearable for most dogs, let alone people. Even new hockey fans can tell this guy is a piece of work. If you are new to hockey, YouTube Pierre, and in the first few seconds you will want to slit your throat.
Call it a wrap. NHL’ers, next time you’re leaving the arena in the team bus and see Pierre making a bee-line for his Toyota Prius (because that’s just the kind of eco-garbage the man would drive), do us all a favour and clip him with the mirror. NHL-EF OUT.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The NHL Education Foundation Mandate
For the inaugural post here at The NHL Education Foundation, we would just like to inform you as to the goals, ideology and brains behind the project.
Constructed by Kieran Jones and Matthew Moxley, the pride of Almonte, Ontario (home of illustrious NHL'er Kent Huskins), The NHL Education Foundation is here to fill a void in the hockey blog world. There are thousands of serious, analytical and critical blogs which exist, talking about all things hockey from the Columbus Blue Jackets minor-leaguers to the curve on Pavel Datsyuk's stick. This blog is different. We will aim to talk about things which no one else does. We don't claim to have any inside knowledge, no game-breaking facts, no personal heart-to-heart interviews with your favourite star, but what we will have is plenty of conjecture and a light-hearted take on news and events in the NHL. While tsn.ca/nhl will be reporting on the Maple Leafs signing Tyler Bozak, we'll give you an update on the 5 best mousatches in the NHL. On thehockeynews.com you'll hear about the Bruins vs. Canadians playoff matchup citing numbers, stats and, here on the NHLEF, you'll hear about who Claude Julien and Bob Gainey should put out to drop the gloves, based purely on what we think the most ridiculous fights would be.
The NHL Education Foundation aims to provide a platform for our often inane chatter, but it is also about the readers. With an open forum, we encourage feedback and suggestions.
Onto the Playoffs!
- Kieran Jones and Matthew Moxley
Constructed by Kieran Jones and Matthew Moxley, the pride of Almonte, Ontario (home of illustrious NHL'er Kent Huskins), The NHL Education Foundation is here to fill a void in the hockey blog world. There are thousands of serious, analytical and critical blogs which exist, talking about all things hockey from the Columbus Blue Jackets minor-leaguers to the curve on Pavel Datsyuk's stick. This blog is different. We will aim to talk about things which no one else does. We don't claim to have any inside knowledge, no game-breaking facts, no personal heart-to-heart interviews with your favourite star, but what we will have is plenty of conjecture and a light-hearted take on news and events in the NHL. While tsn.ca/nhl will be reporting on the Maple Leafs signing Tyler Bozak, we'll give you an update on the 5 best mousatches in the NHL. On thehockeynews.com you'll hear about the Bruins vs. Canadians playoff matchup citing numbers, stats and, here on the NHLEF, you'll hear about who Claude Julien and Bob Gainey should put out to drop the gloves, based purely on what we think the most ridiculous fights would be.
The NHL Education Foundation aims to provide a platform for our often inane chatter, but it is also about the readers. With an open forum, we encourage feedback and suggestions.
Onto the Playoffs!
- Kieran Jones and Matthew Moxley
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