Moustache/Beards Predictions

This post will try to predict the mustaches/beards that will appear in the 2009 playoffs. Who will have the best beard that makes him look like Jesus? And who will have the dirty Sanchez that makes even awkward teens shiver in embarrassment? Let’s get it on by naming a few popular NHL players who have qualified for the 2009 NHL Playoffs:

Mox

Sidney Crosby- Will have a very patchy, peach fuzz infested face, if the Penguins make it out of the 1st round. Even though his hockey skills are top notch, his beard growing abilities are near the bottom of the league.

Roberto Luongo- He already has a pretty good beard on him this season, therefore, if the Canucks go deep, birds will be flying into his beard on his way to the rink, like Peter Griffin in Family Guy.

Joe Thornton- This NHL star has yet to really shine in the playoffs, but with all of the optimism for the Sharks this year, he may just get that beard we have all been waiting for. This time around and it will indeed be a full one. Other players will tremble when they meet him in the corners as those sweaty, greasy hairs are rubbing up against their nose.

Scott Neidermyer- The Ducks may not get very far in the playoffs, but it won’t stop this mans facial hair from growing at great speeds. He is pretty old, so the beard will be pretty white, making it awkward when young Bobby Ryan sits on his knee and tells him what he wants for Christmas this year.

Mike Green- Has never been seen with facial hair. This might mean he is one of those players who has a beardless playoffs, which is quite awkward. Even though he is a great defensemen, when watching the anthems and the cameraman is going up the bench, there are 20 guys with a substantial amount of facial hair, and Mike Green will be that guy with none, and the viewer will be like, “What the hell is his problem?! No beard?”

Kieran

Milan Lucic – While he is Canadian-born, Lucic is of Serbian descent, and it is to this hereditary Eastern-European beard-growing ability to which he will turn during the post-season. Lucic has become a rising star in the NHL this season due to his massive hits, key goals, and ability to mug Mike Komisarek from behind after the whistle. Little has been made of his hair-growing capability, but with the Bruins poised to go deep, Milan Lucic, despite his young age, has an opportunity to make an impact on the hockey-playoff-beard stage.

Chris Mason – This isn’t quite fair, as Mason started growing his beard back in February when the Blues began their run. Last to a playoff berth is unreal, and so is Mason’s facial shrubbery. After watching his Blues play the Canucks last night, I noticed that he could barely get his mask on over the bristles. At the rate he’s on right now, the Sedin’s are going to be able to bag tons of goals because. much like Bigfoot, a B.C. native, Mason’s face will be completely covered rendering him unable to see out of his mask at the mercy of the Canuck’s snipers. Luckily for him, the Canucks don’t have any snipers, just a overweight, slow Mats Sundin. Maybe put some burgers behind Mason and Mats will start to drive the net harder.

Alex Kovalev – Pretty old, yet incredibly lame, Kovalev will no doubt disappoint facial hair enthusiasts all over the league. Due to the fact that he’s not really a team player, he hit puberty quite late, and the Canadians are garbage, he won’t get much past the stage where you need a disposal razor.

Ian White – His pointy sideburns, epic ‘stache and long flowing locks will create an absolute MONSTER this post-season. Just kidding, the Leafs didn’t make it. Maybe he can grow one for the World Championships, the Stanley Cup Playoffs for shitty players.


That’s what we see from our vantage point of flipping through TSN and CBC in order to catch all the available NHL playoff action. Stay tuned for more tales from around the League. Better than Satellite Hot Stove or After 40 Minutes and less sullen and bitter than John Tortorella on The Quiz, the NHL-EF is here for you. NHL-EF OUT.