People who need a good thrashing by Nik Kronwall

If you have been watching Sportscenter at all in the last week, you would have noticed a few things. John Tortorella is still not on the TSN panel, the Blue Jays have realized that their roster is garbage and they’re from a country that doesn’t care about baseball, and that the Montreal Canadians are no longer in the playoffs, and it’s all Carey Price’s fault. However, more important than all of that is the absolute moshing that Niklas Kronwall gave Martin Havlat.

Here at the NHLEF we appreciate such wallpaperings, because hockey is a contact sport and Kronwall – clearly - is a great hitter. All this is good, yet it the focus is in the wrong place. Instead of discussing the merits of Kronwall, we need to remind ourselves who he hit, namely Martin Havlat. Career underachiever, playoff flop, contract year hustler, greasy, under-talented, over-appreciated, over-hyped, dirty, injury-prone, whiner, sleazeball, there are plenty of words to describe Martin Havlat’s career, but none of them applied to this past season. Havlat put up an incredibly durable campaign. He scored career highs in points and led a young Blackhawks team back into the playoffs and aided in the domination of the Calgary Flames and the upset of the Vancouver Canucks. And you know what? Screw him! As has been evident numerous times in NHLEF writings, no one hates a comeback story like us. And so, we applaud Kronwall for turning Havlat into a pile of mush on the ice. Make him pay for that great season. Teach him a lesson about hustle, determination and beating injuries. Next time Havlat, follow the example of Alex Daigle and just stay down.

After his domination of Martin, we’d like Kronwall to tackle a few other high-profile (or not) NHL players:

Ales Hemsky – Watch any Oilers game and you’ll see Hemsky take the puck, skate multiple laps of the offensive zone, hold the puck on a dozen good passing opportunities and dangle on half a dozen perfect shots, only to give up the puck to Chris Stewart of the Avalanche and go off on a change. Maybe Kronwall lowering the boom will reorganizing something in Hemsky’s brain, most importantly the fact that the puck is allowed to leave his stick. You can thank us later, Craig MacTavish.

Jarkko Ruutu – Incessant yapping about nothing useful, a lack of interest in dropping the gloves and lackluster offensive, defensive and fore play characterize Ruutu’s hockey style. The pesky Finn really has nothing going for him except for some sharp teeth, which he uses to bite opponents when in scrums, rather than facewash the other guy with his smelly glove. It’s tough to chirp, bite, or act like a moron when you’re knocked out at the blueline.

Sidney Crosby – The next Wayne Gretzky just won a battle with Ovechkin in what the NHL thought was the best thing to happen to it since the swine flu forced all the American vacationers to stay home from Mexico and watch the playoffs. Crosby is 21 and poised to return to the Stanley Cup Finals for the second time in as many years, and yet he still hasn’t figured out that he needs to grow a decent playoff beard. With a little bit of charging, Kronwall can probably wipe that dirty ‘stache right off Crosby’s face.

Pavel Datsyuk – The guy is supposed to be on the Wings top line. The go-to guy next to Hank Zetterberg. Datsyuk is in the running for several NHL awards, was a team leader in several categories and is an all around great guy except for the fact that he has never been seen to do an interview. His playoff stats? A whopping 1 goal and 6 assists. Tied for 50^th in playoff scoring behind such offensive powerhouses as Cam Barker, Chad LaRose and Dave Bolland. Maybe a little tap by Kronwall would loosen up those offensive skills a little. At least it would give him an excuse to quietly slink away. And yes, I do know that he’s injured, shut the hell up.

The Entire New York Rangers – Overpaid, underachieving, uninspiring, offensively-untalented, coached by an uncreative, aggressive and ill-dressed Italian, the Rangers are the worst thing to happen to the NHL since Sean Avery. Oh wait, he’s part of the team too. The Rangers acquired Nik Antropov in a trade deadline deal with the Maple Leafs and Antropov automatically became the Rangers leading point-getter. And he came from the LEAFS. Anyone need any more reasons for why Kronwall should take runs at the entire Blueshirts?

Brian Lee – I won’t beat around the bush here - Brian Lee is without a doubt the worst defenseman in the NHL. He’s billed as a mobile offensive threat, yet in 53 games he potted 2 goals and 11 assists. And it’s not because he’s responsible in his own end – his 5’10 frame that carries 125 lbs when soaking wet means he fits into youth jersey’s well, but really doesn’t do any damage when battling with Milan Lucic or Jerome Iginla in the corners. He wouldn’t get drafted onto my pond hockey team, so I have no idea how he managed to crack an NHL lineup, even one as woeful as the Sens. If Kronwall could find him to hit, maybe Brian could give finally give up his hockey career and switch to something more his speed, like knitting.

Gary Bettman – Give Jim and Southern Ontario their NHL team. Trade the ‘Yotes in for the ‘Berries. Go from garbage in the desert to trash in the snow belt, but money making trash. Just look at the Leafs. Gary, if you don’t face the facts, Kronwall will put you through the glass. Actually, he should probably mosh you regardless.

Got any ideas of who you’d like to get pummeled? That’s what the comments are for. As usual, the NHLEF is here to listen to your problems, smile and nod, pretend to care and understand, and then tell you you’re completely wrong. NHLEF out!