What Your Favourite NHL Team Says About YOU.

What Your Favourite NHL Team says about you

In today’s NHL there are 30 teams spanning two countries, 3 provinces and a bunch of states (I don’t care enough about those ones to count accurately). These 30 teams each sport a unique look, stadium, roster and set of values, and each strives to be a successful business as well as hockey team. Each team also has a unique set of fans to go with their characteristics. For our purposes, we’re going to examine fan preferences in Ontario alone, because we’re thoroughly confused about why there is a fan of the Nashville Predators in Ontario, much less the world. And we spend most of our time in Ontario, so we feel like we can accurately criticize fans from the area. So without further confusion, we present - What Your Favourite NHL Team Says About YOU.

Washington Capitals – You can name one hockey player in the world, and it’s Alex Ovechkin. You have become a fan of hockey only in the past 2 years, you never sit down to watch a game, and couldn’t pick out the blue line on a hockey rink if it was labeled for you.

Boston Bruins – You’re loud, aggressive and prone to ridiculous hockey arguments. You have been following hockey since you crawled out of the womb, but have kept you allegiances fairly low key. This was due to previous bonehead moves by your franchise, such as trading Joe Thornton for a large double double, or signing Mike Ryder after everyone else had realized he was garbage. However, recently you have been flying the Bruins pride, because they actually did well for once in the last 10 years.

Colorado Avalanche – You were a fan of the Nordiques, and refuse to cheer for the Canadians, so your allegiance went west with the Avs. You probably think that Patrick Roy, Rob Blake, Peter Forsberg and Joe Sakic still play for the Avalanche because you haven’t paid any attention to the NHL in years. If you have been paying attention, you only talk about how the Avs team with those guys could beat any team on the ice today.

Phoenix Coyotes – Your name is Jim Balsillie, and you don’t actually like the Coyotes, you just want to move them to Hamilton.

Anaheim Ducks – You watched the Mighty Ducks movies growing up as a kid, and think that the team in Anaheim is simply an extension of the movie series. On the occasion that you do catch a game, you’re confused that Goldberg and The Bash Brothers aren’t on the ice, and that all the players are much bigger than you remember.

Pittsburgh Penguins – You grew up in the 90’s, inundated with propaganda about how Sidney Crosby is the next God, how he sweats Gatorade, and saves children from burning buildings. Like him, you probably can’t grow a beard, but unlike him, you aren’t friends with Mario Lemieux.

Ottawa Senators – You jumped on the bandwagon as soon as the team was placed in the city, and are one of the few people still on it. You’re loyal to a fault, have the ability to ignore mountains of evidence when other fans harass you about lack of success, and don’t really understand what the position of goaltending is for. “You mean the goalie is supposed to STOP the puck?? Why were we paying Patrick Lalime for all those years??”

Toronto Maple Leafs – Two different subgroups in this one. One group is the diehard fan who knows all the Leaf players numbers, countries of origin, career statistics, nose hair length and local address. This fan bleeds blue and white, and is often drunk and morose after each night the Leafs play. The other is the person who doesn’t want to seem unpatriotic and dislike hockey, so they select the most iconic team in the country to cheer for. Also often drunk after a game night, but more because they were busy drinking rather than watching the game. Both groups are blind to facts and arguments regarding the shortcomings of their team, and consider the Leafs a perennial cup contender. This is despite the clear evidence of consistent terrible drafting and managing for the past 40 years.

Vancouver Canucks – You can’t bring yourself to cheer for either the Sens or the Leafs, so you contract out to the West Coast. You’re enthusiastic about hockey, but not diehard, as you rarely get to see your team play games because then you would have to stay up past your bedtime.

Nashville Predators – You thought the logo was cool when they were introduced as an expansion team, and haven’t thought about the NHL ever since.

New York Rangers – You’re a rich asshole who thinks he’s better than everyone else.

New Jersey Devils – You don’t actually watch hockey or like it. If you did, you wouldn’t be a fan of the most boring team in the league. You mainly enjoy people getting hurt, and things haven’t been the same since Scott Stevens retired.

Montreal Canadians – Despite the fact that the team has not won a cup in the last 5 years, you are a bandwagon fan. You love the Canadians because every time someone criticizes them, you trot out the fact that they have won more cups than any other team, and have been around for 100 years. Sure, you argue, they did fold like straw hut in a hurricane last season, but look at all those cups they’ve won. Like it matters at this point.

Calgary Flames – You hate Edmonton.

Edmonton Oilers – You hate Calgary.

Hartford Whalers – You’re 6 feet underground.

Atlanta Thrashers – You enjoy golf in the spring.

Minnesota Wild – You respect the most financially successful team in the US market, a team that has impressed from its expansion inception into the league with consistent, solid results. However, after this past offseason in which the ownership turned its back on the franchise player and instead welcomed an overrated, no-good greaser into the fold, you are left a broken husk of a man, looking forlornly at your Wild hat, wondering if a time will ever come again where you will be proud to wear it.

While we may have skipped a few, those are the major defining characteristics of teams and their fans. What’s up for next week? Pooping at work: legitimate avoidance tactic, or disgusting habit? You decide. NHL-EF Out!